Everything Date Night Should Be

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I wanna be smiling.  Like this, see?

I wanna have fun.

I wanna be with grown-ups, talk about grown-up things, like love..

I wanna look nice.  Smell nice, too.

I want some good, lip smackin’ eats.

I wanna build a better relationship.

I wanna understand my partner.

I wanna do some give and take with other people.

I wanna talk about anything but the kids.  Or the job.  Or the weather.

I wanna be a watcher.   Sometimes I just wanna take it all in.

I wanna relax.   No pressure.  I got pressure all week.

I wanna make you glad to be with me.

 

Date Night premieres Saturday night, 3/17/18 with John Wayne as The Quiet Man.   Check show time, location, cost.  Registration required. Professionally guided for couples by Kathe Skinner, Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Relationship Specialist. ©2018, Being Heard, LLC.

 

 

 

BO KNOWS FOOTBALL, PARENTING

Father And Son In Park With American Football

Created for the 50th Super Bowl, Toyota has tapped the touchy-feely market by pairing pro football players with their children in a series of commercials about being a father.

Numerous studies show the relationship between early childhood trauma, attachment, abuse, as well as in utero treatment of the unborn fetus and the mental and physical health of adults.

There’s no question that how a child is parented makes an enormous difference in child development.

Debated are the effects of divorce, step-parenting, blended families, and single parenting on children.  In my view, the emotional health of the family unit casts more influence on the growing child than what the family looks like.

How a child turns out is affected by biopsychosocial factors:

  • Biological each child’s hard wiring and physical health (affected pre- and post-natally);
  • Psychological to include attachment, presence of abuse or indulgence, boundaries, rules, roles, exposure to trauma, etc., and;
  • Social factors found not only in the child’s experiences with the wider community and culture — religion, education, social environment, access to goods and services, technology — but also to support networks including family, extended family and peers.

More children can turn out well-adjusted and happy when dads (and moms) provide positive parenting — even if they haven’t been parented well, or at all, themselves.

No argument is being made that all children can turn out wonderfully; there is too little control over the multitude and combination of factors that inspire dysfunction. It’s not foregone that those of us who experienced a less-than-healthy family environment will be less-than-healthy ourselves.  There’s truth to the saying, “I’m like this because my parents stayed together, so you just never know.”

Worrisome is the unawareness or reluctance many people bring to recognizing and creating a healthier family environment than they themselves had.  Parents don’t have to be robotic models of their own parents, though too many are.

Just as bad are parents who ride the pendulum to the other end of the spectrum, thereby encouraging lack of self-discipline and responsibility, materialism, boredom, entitlement, low frustration tolerance, and self-centeredness.  And there’s no proof that socioeconomic status predicts a positive parenting or family outcome.  Nasty custody battles seem to follow the money.

Summarized by a client who honestly believed that marriage meant there weren’t supposed to be any problems (and was angry and confused when there were) parenting is much the same.  Love does mean having to say you’re sorry:  a recognition you’ve erred, selecting out learned behaviors from reactive ones to conscious ones, along with changed behavior, are quantifiable and observable equivalents to saying “sorry”.

Despite all the self-help books, hugs, and positive modeling, parenting will never be a walk in the park.  But hugs, encouragement, and consistent positive modeling can ensure that moms and dads don’t have to walk in the dark.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice where she specializes in couples work, especially with relationships affected by disability.  She and husband David attempt to parent their two children, hooligan kitties Petey and Lucy.  Kathe and David present Couples Communication Workshops in Colorado Springs.  Read about it and register at www.BeingHeardNow.com.  

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copyright, 2015 Being Heard, LLC

MY FAMILY IS CRAZIER THAN YOURS.

 

cartoon t;givingIn the month between November 26 and December 25 something odd happens:  Crazy families get crazier.

Giving Thanks, Spreading Light, Celebrating Culture, and Wishing for Peace on Earth are often replaced by the dread and fear of family fireworks.

Few families really are incident-free, although we figure it’s just ours that’s as dysfunctional as it is. While it might seem more comfortable to exclude certain family members to avoid celebratory disruption, what actually happens may be disrupting as well.

The classic struggle between expectations of “the way it should be” vs. “the way it really is” sets us up to have unhealthy negative emotions like sadness, guilt, anger, dread, and avoidance.

Shake the sugar plums out of your head and re-think your guilt:

The Throwback Effect:  Traditions, celebrated the same every year may be a reminder of past hurts, inviting behaviors that go way back.  Fight the impulse to side with your family against your partner; keeping  communication open is crucial.  Not everyone is happy at the holidays; no one has to be.

The Hallmark Effect:  U.S. companies will spend billions and billions of dollars on advertising this season, primarily on social media and television, to sell consumers on the notion that a perfect holiday can be purchased.  Movies — another holiday “tradition” — portray traumatizing family events as either funny or touching.  The constant stream of warm and fuzzy can lead to a very real mental health plague called holiday depression.

3 Monkeys Effect:  Pretending that crazy behavior isn’t crazy only makes you look crazy.  Minimizing reality for the sake of others’ comfort makes everyone uncomfortable.  Being honest is appropriate, even though ’tis the season for pretending everything is as it should be.

Forewarned, Forearmed:    Chat with the potential offender beforehand. Say why you’d like them to join everyone else even as you set boundaries for acceptable behavior.  Here’s the important part:  Quietly stick to the boundaries you set.  If you won’t, the offensive behavior is bound to be repeated and you and your guests are bound to be disrespected — again.

Cut the Drama:  It’s not like you’re surprised so don’t act like it.  Being dramatic about something you expect perpetuates bad feelings between people, who are likely to take sides.  This is one way that horrible holidays have become part of your family’s tradition.

Handing out explosives:  Alcohol and stress are a bad combination.  Bad stress makes everything worse; alcohol makes crazy worse.  If you fuel trouble, it will come.  Monitor the flow of booze if you want to avoid a bad scene.

Change It Up:  Change the usual setting or location, menu, focus of the day or even the day itself.   Get away from a personal, claustrophobic focus in order to re-focus outward to community — friends, neighbors, even strangers.  Take turns hosting; share the day’s responsibilities (being sure to include children); organize a neighborhood carol-sing, skating party or sleigh ride; volunteer; stay home and forge your nuclear family’s traditions; go on a Christmas tree hunt; or choose an activity that centers on the holiday’s meaning, are all examples of refocusing.

Come Down Easy:   The time and money spent preparing for, and celebrating, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Christmas is disproportional to the let-down felt when all that’s left is the mess. Remembering how that feels might be incentive to celebrate in other, less costly but more rewarding, ways.

Take a Nap.  The day will wear you out so come rested to it, especially if you have a disability or chronic illness.  Add a few minutes to steal away, catch your breath and renew your smile.

No other time of year is as fraught with “shoulds”.  As with much of what’s difficult in life — leaving certain people out in the cold at holiday time — is a hard choice to make.  It’s reasonable to feel guilt and sadness and to feel guilty and sad because you feel guilt and sadness.

What’s important is that you acknowledge the situation and your struggle with it.  You don’t have to do anything.  There’s always next year and the crazies are likely to happen again.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family therapist in Colorado Springs where she lives with her husband David and their two hooligan cats.

Cartoon © Donna Barstow, 2015 Used with Permission

© 2015 Being Head LLC