Category society

HAVE SEX OR DO LAUNDRY?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

bigstock-Blue-laundry-basket-isolated-o-48813821No brainer, right?  But for many women, it’s not as stupid a question as you’d think.

The 21st Century may see a socioeconomic shift in favor of women, e.g. more upper-level management positions, more business owners, greater control of wealth.

Success comes at a price; working harder for longer hours upsets the already teetering balance among personal, relationship, and family demands.  Another price?  Women are just as likely to experience heart disease as men.

For decades men have steadily increased the amount of time they put into housework and childcare.  Even so, the reality in most families where both partners work still reflects a scale that’s less than balanced.  And while the workforce is trending toward containing equal numbers of men and women, that increased role doesn’t usually reflect other, needed, social changes, like equal pay, daycare, maternity leave, or scheduling flexibility in attending to family needs (like staying home with a sick child).

Women as breadwinners are another phenomenon of the new century’s economic downturn.  That kind of role-shift between partners rocks a boat already sinking with the weight of household needs – who does what?  How long before hunting dust bunnies pales in comparison to hunting mastodons?

It’s a 24/7 job, no matter who does it and whether the family knows it or not, holding fast is everyone’s job.  While men may be able to put sex toward the top of the pyramid (at times even the tippy top), most women are still in the burial chamber, getting the mummy ready for bed.

Fact is, too many married women look to their partners to lighten the loads of laundry, not for sex.

In this context, how does a willingness to do some horizontal exercise together move up in your list of must-do’s?

  • Talk Together.  Remember how it was when your relationship began?  You two talked forever.  It worked then; why not now?  Remember that part of what makes your marriage exciting (and sometimes turbulent) are your differences.
  • Mourn.  Be brave; acknowledge that some hopes and dreams are no longer attainable or even reasonable.  Holding on can pull you both down.  Move forward by dreaming in a different color.
  • Say it Out Loud.   No one knows what you’re thinking unless you say it out loud.  You may have always expected your partner to be a mind reader, thinking “If they loved me…they’d know.”
  • Re-Prioritize.  And share the list with your partner.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.
  • Negotiate.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.  Be sure to follow through.
  • Delegate.  Neither of you is superhuman.  Trying to do it  alone hasn’t worked, has it?  Too many women excuse children from sharing in home tasks.  This often untapped resource can learn, starting as early as age 3,  responsibility, ownership and pride.  And you catch a break.Cluttering our days with unreasonable expectations and unspoken needs is so much less necessary to our happiness – and health – than being together.  So what’s stopping you?

Specializing in couples work, Kathe Skinner is a Colorado Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist.  She works especially those couples where invisible disability is present.  She and husband, David, have lots of practice re-prioritizing retirement in interesting economic Find the schedule for the next Couple Communication Workshop at http://www.beingheardnow.com

© 2014 Being Heard

VERBAL OOPSES

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 4 Comments

bigstock-Oops-336406

I was in the health food store yesterday and helped a little girl, about 8 years old, who couldn’t reach the roll of plastic food bags.  When I left the store, I saw her standing with an older woman; I smiled at the woman and asked if the little blonde was her granddaughter.  In halting, Scandinavian-accented English she told me no, the little girl was her daughter.   Hoping my embarrassment didn’t show I went ahead with what I was going to say in the first place – that the little girl was beautiful and very polite.  But with her having trouble speaking English, and it being the holidays and all, I do think it was “mormor” after all, visiting from Europe.

I’ve been wrong other times, too; either by omission or assumption.  When I greet already-established clients as newbies what is there to say?   Name slips are easier to cover; I just correct myself after apologizing profusely.  It’s when I discover my screw-up after the client’s left that grates; unfinished business or lack of closure or something like that.  All I know is that I hate having apologies go undelivered.  The absolute worst is making dead-wrong assumptions that are innocent but insulting.  Ever asked an overweight woman when she’s due?

I don’t think I’m the only one whose engagement with others doesn’t always work out.  It’s not always true that other people want to be vulnerable to strangers; it’s the grand assumption I make about people, probably because of what I do for a living.

There are unspoken rules about physical proximity, “getting in someone’s space”, and there are verbal ones, too.  Like how you talk, what you say, the purpose of saying something at all.

Women often complain that their partners don’t talk to them.  It’s assumed (there’s that word, again) that a partner’s thoughts, and especially feelings, are being purposely withheld.  It would be a darned interesting experiment (but unethical) to see if those same partners are verbally receptive to stranger-talk.  We’re usually nicer to strangers than we are to the ones we love.

Sometimes things just come out wrong.   Last time I was snacking my way through Costco I told the sample lady I’d knock her out just to steal every one of the cream puffs she was demo-ing.  Thankfully she was quick on the uptake, got it, and didn’t call security.

Do guys make these goofy blunders?  I know they do in sitcoms but do they in real life?  Don’t know; my partner hasn’t said.

Kathe Skinner is an inveterate chatter who specializes in coaching couples, especially couples whose relationship is impacted by invisible disability.  She lives in Colorado with her mostly-quiet husband, David, and their two hooligan cats.  Lucy chats more than Petey; guess what they say about women talking more than men is true of cats, too.

How Come It’s “We’re Pregnant” But It’s Not “We’re Disabled”?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

I don’t know when it became fashionable to identify pregnancy as an adventure à deux.  It always seemed lopsided that pregnancy excluded men from throwing up, having swollen ankles and shrewish moods.  I’m not even talking about all those forever changes like stretch marks, a bigger butt, and wider hips.  With the possibility of gestational diabetes, postpartum depression, or miscarriage, the adventure becomes a challenge, albeit one that affects the relationship although it is physically experienced only by the woman.

Not to make it one-sided, men’s experiences are extraordinary, too, and may include being the target of a woman’s whacky moods or being the late-night junk food scrounger.  For guys, it hits that the two of you are now a family, with all the attendant expectations to be the one who forevermore protects and provides.

Without a doubt there are many, many women for whom pregnancy is a delightful experience. The glowing, the growing, and giving life is an experience like no other.  Pregnant women and moms belong to an exclusive club that has unbend-able  membership rules.  So even if it was the two of you being pregnant, only one of you, in the strictest sense, is a mom.

It’s the same when a woman is disabled or chronically ill.  Only one of you is impaired even while both of you — your relationship — can be impaired.   Having an invisible disability can be the worst of all.

Our society looks for proof; needs to name it; needs to touch it or otherwise experience its reality.  You can’t be “a little bit pregnant”; you either are or you’re not.  Pee on a stick and you prove it.  With invisible disabilities, there’s no pee test.  For some people, taking it on faith is harder than believing that what isn’t seen is true.  For example, not being able to prove the existence of god doesn’t mean god doesn’t exist.  Obviously, it’s the emotion surrounding belief that counts; to disbelieve or doubt a person’s physical or emotional perceptions is tantamount to discrediting someone’s very existence.  The truth of it is immaterial, while the emotion surrounding such thoughts is what counts.  The thoughts may even be rooted in jealousy of a sort – “What, so you get a break but I don’t?”  “Buck up, you’re just being lazy.”  “I worked all day but I still have to make dinner and do the laundry and get the kids to bed before I can sit down and catch my breath and where are you? in bed.”

Quantification when invisible disability is present requires a different yardstick but most of all it requires belief, support, and compassion.

Adding a stress load to any system that is already compromised results in a predictable, and usually disastrous, outcome (think of how a building with cracks in the foundation responds to an earthquake).  The same thing happens when an already dysfunctional body system is unable to respond well when stressors are piled on.  Such stressors may include walking through a mall or having relationship difficulties.

“We’re pregnant” or “we’re disabled” is an implicit bonding between partners.  Life-changing events happen from which there is no return.  Legal sanctions apply in both situations:  the 20% of women, nationwide, who are disabled are entitled to lifetime support; children until they reach the age of majority.  Society doesn’t seem to have recognized that the “we” of marriage with children and the “we” of disability in a relationship are the same thing.

To say “we’re disabled” says that both partners are in it together, that there is emotional and physical support of the partner who is less capacitated. Pregnancy usually involves the active participation of both partners while acquiring disability isn’t chosen by either partner.  Parenthood never ends, just as disability does not; a major difference is in the expected trajectory – that parenting gets more pleasurable once the nest is empty, while disability often does the opposite.  Disability is different in that there is no consent, no pre-planning, and certainly no enjoyment in acquiring the condition.

Kathe Skinner is a Relationship Coach in private practice.   Specializing in relationships, especially those with invisible disability in the mix, she offers both in-person and web-based programs for couples.  See http://www.BeingHeardNow.com to find the right program for you!

©Kathe Skinner, 2012

“If you have multiple sclerosis, you’re treated with respect.”

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 4 Comments
The following assertion was made by Maxine Cunningham, founder and director of Empowered Walking Enterprise/Ministries.  My response follows.
“Dignity is not a word that we often hear in connection with how we treat persons with a chronic mental illness – YES if you have cancer, ALS, multiple sclerosis, etc. Dignity and full personhood – that we might be whole.”

As a therapist with multiple sclerosis, and a Board member of the Invisible Disabilities Association, I can assure you that those with physical illnesses, esp hidden ones like cancer, ms, lupus, Crohn’s diseaes, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression, etc., are not always treated with dignity.  There are still people who will not hug someone with cancer for fear of “catching it”.  An ms client was escorted from a grocery store after she fell into a display; the assumption was she was drunk, not that she fell because of balance problems.  Read about my own experiences with people’s assumptions, misperceptions, and misunderstandings on my blog, ilikebeingsickanddisabled.com. and in my article for the government’s site, disability.gov, http://usodep.blogs.govdelivery.com/2012/07/25/looks-can-be-deceiving/.   Mental health issues are as much a part of invisible disability as physical health issues are.  Parsing them dilutes the effectiveness of advocacy.  Without ignoring the special needs of any group under the umbrella of “disabiltiy”, it might, at some point, be worthwhile to give up the “me” in exchange for the “us”.

Kathe Skinner is a Relationship Coach specializing in coaching couples whose relationship is impacted by invisible disability.  She lives in the Front Range of Colorado with her husband of 26 years, David, and their 2 hooligan cats, Petey & Lucy.
© 2012, Kathe Skinner