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INVISIBLY DISABLED OR NOT, 5 GOOD REASONS TO REVAMP YOUR LIFE

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

659894f27914674cc2dbb0523225d056If you’re like most of us, change is uncomfortable.  That applies whether we’ve asked for the change, or not.  Change can be as small as changing your haircolor or as big a deal as moving across town or across country. Some adults mimic Peter Pan’s Lost Boys, adamantly insisting they won’t grow up. If that’s you or someone you care about, check out five good reasons it’s a good idea to view change as a relentless part of being alive:

  1. Gain Perspective:  I’ve got an old pair of glasses I wear around the house.  While I’m used to them and they’re comfy, the truth is that I’m limited in what, and how well, I see.  Not seeing clearly what’s in your life is like a horse wearing blinders.  True, you remain focused on one spot, but the trade-off is how much gets passed by.  What comes to mind is the professional focused on business success who complains, years later, about the unattended soccer games and school plays.
  2. Freshen Up:  Habit is soothing; knowing what you’re doing and how to do it takes away our fear of appearing incompetent.  What’s left out, though, are new experiences.  Meeting new people, going to new places, trying something different are examples of keeping our brains engaged.  Brain science suggests that people who remain engaged stave off the negative side-effects of aging.
  3. Grow Up:  The 60s are gone, so are the 90s.  Even if those were the best days of your life, those days don’t reflect your world as it is now.  If  time-travel was possible, seeing what lies ahead would be an interesting and fun exercise.  Many cinematic characters have been given this gift — Jimmy Stewart in the classic Christmas film “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  What would you learn from a trip to the future?  And what would you have to change now in order to assure it? So what’s stopping you?
  4. Get What You Want:  Have eyes set on a certain job?  A new car?  A life partner?  When plans are made to acquire what we want, change is prominent in the mix.  For example, attracting a partner may mean you have to work on issues that are getting in the way, like trusting the opposite sex. When the burden of old thoughts is released, the domino effect of change starts in motion.  The effects include being more comfortable in your own skin, smiling more, being more positive about life.  Your changes affect everyone else in your life.  Everyone.   Amazing, huh?
  5. Keep What You Have:  When partners say, “That’s not the person I married!”, I say, “Good!”.   Aside from Bunny-Love-Sex, who would trade how the years have forged a new and different partnership?  Adding children, for example, insists on change from an “I” stance to the “we” stance of co-parenting.  All relationships insist on good communication and flexibility in order to be ready for change.  Without it, no relationships can grow,

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach working especially with couples experiencing the effects of invisible, or hidden, disability.  As a military brat, growing up changed scenery more than for most.  As a child, she remembers seeing the black and white television production of Peter Pan.  Trying to fly off her bed became a months’ long obsession.  She lives her grown-up life in Colorado with her husband David, and their two cats; in a world of change, Petey and Lucy ground them.  More about Kathe and what she does can be found at http://www.BeingHeardNow.com.

MAKING INCONTINENCE FASHIONABLE

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 2 Comments
The model chose to remain anonymous but did reveal that her dress matches her underwear.

The model chose to remain anonymous but did reveal that her dress matches her underwear.

The fashion industry has joined forces with manufacturers of personal care products to produce incontinence wear for women in designer colors, including soft peach and light blue.

Industry has heeded the call of millions of women who want to feel feminine, even when having a pants-full. The newer color palette does that and at the same time takes away the shame and embarrassment of elimination accidents. Women feel confident again.  How sexy is that?

No news from design experts about re-fashioning incontinence products for men.  Basic gray or black ramped up with famous-maker logos? Industry insiders float jazzy possibilities for the future.

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist and relationship coach specializing in couples work, especially regarding relationships affected by invisible disabiity (cancer, bi-polar disorder, Crohn’s, lupus, etc.).  She has multiple sclerosis; bladder problems are among her symptoms. Her husband David thinks soft peach pee panties are cute; thankfully, he doesn’t think they’re sexy.

ROOT FOR SOMEONE FAMOUS TO BECOME DISABLED THIS MONTH

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

I was just reading the Screen Actors Guild’s 2005 study of how few representations of people with disabilities were scripted into tv shows — less than .5% even had speaking roles.

Five years later, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) noted essentially the same thing. Using media to capture Americans’ attention (film, video, print, cyber) is well-suited to our short attention span and overall sense of unreality about the really real world, where visible or invisible disability can be turned off, deleted, or disregarded.  Where we communicate about disability on-line rather than in-person.

hear no evil 2 How pitiful is it when we ride on the coattails of someone famous’ disability, metaphorically pointing at our chests, crying “me, too!”?

Visible and invisible disabilities like Nelson Mandela’s cancer, Michael J. Fox’s and Linda Ronstadt’s Parkinson’s, Catherine Zeta Jones’ bipolar disorder, Ann Romney’s M.S., Glenn Campbell’s Alzheimer’s are all well-known and forgiven because they’re beautiful, charming, entertaining, or people dear to us in other ways.  “Oh, how courageous they are,” we say, “and what a shame.”  Even those of us who are disabled ourselves are sad for the afflicted-famous!   Does someone famous earn more points for being disabled?  Is it a bigger deal?  And how come we feel bad for the misfortune of people who usually have the means by which to be disabled more comfortably than we ourselves have?

I’m not looking for pity, just parity.

As in years past, President Obama again established October as National Disability Employment Awareness Month.  The spirit of it is lofty and disability awareness monthtouching.  But business generally runs on what’s concrete, not what’s moral.  Even more to the point, it can be expensive to hire disabled workers: accommodating to special needs isn’t cheap (widening doorways, re-designing rest rooms, installing elevators, etc.) and unless the federal government is handing out money or tax incentives to businesses, hiring the disabled isn’t good business.

Furthermore, if businesses have to be induced by other than moral means to hire this population, it’s like asking a restaurant to serve a customer gratis, just because he’s hungry.

Won’t happen, nor should it.

The fact is that the people who do the hiring are just people, members of a society that has difficulty having the disabled around in the first place.  Employers are no less prejudicial about disability than they are about age, gender, national origin, or sexual preference.

It’s perplexing that the morality play of the President’s proclamation would be presented in an economic climate like that which exists in the world today, where corporations like Siemens lay off 15,000 workers at a swipe.

I suppose none of them were disabled.bigstock-Group-of-tiny-people-walking-i-36380644 (1)

It’s insulting that the plight of the disabled worker should be highlighted when they are only part of the millions of other Americans who are hungry for work, If inclusion is sought, singling out any one portion of the population defeats the stated purpose.

The proclamation belongs in The Truman Show, where it’s always sunny, there are never problems, and life is always fair. Happily deluded.

But hey, thanks for giving the nation a heads-up that employing the disabled is the right thing to do.  I do believe that now, finally, things will change. (wink, wink)

Kathe Skinner is a Colorado-based Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach specializing in work with couples, especially those whose relationship is affected by invisible disability. She is in private practice where she can arrange her environment to meet her continually changing physical needs.  She has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis for over 35 years.

THE JURY’S OUT.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

I’m a fine one to talk.

“All change implies the acceptance of loss” is the line I berate my coaching and psychotherapy clients with.

Loss of function with invisible disability carries with it more than just the loss of “being able to…”  It’s how others’ attitudes might change.  Or how communication in bad hair daya relationship — married or not — is impacted.

Recently emailing with a colleague, another permutation appeared:  “All loss implies the acceptance of change.”

These days, for me, that applies even more.

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist and relationship coach living and working on Colorado’s Front Range.  She has been courting acceptance of the changes in her life for most of this year.  The results aren’t in.

LOVING

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment
Love at its most true is not afraid to be hard. ~ Whitley Streiber

Love at its most true is not afraid to be hard. ~ Whitley Streiber

Married, in a relationship, or single, life is often ungovernable.

Through disability, chronic illness, divorce, break-up, deaths big and small where do we find respite from difficulty?

When can we stop being courageous?

So many of us lean on love to give us relief from life’s chattering.

If love were so one-dimensional, though, if all loving did was give us rest, would it still be lustrous?

What is easy, quantifiable, predictable soon loses our interest.

Whitley Streiber put it beautifully, “Love at its most true is not afraid to be hard.”  I agree (even if he is talking about aliens.)

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist and relationship coach, specializing in working with couples whose relationship is impacted by invisible disability and chronic illness.  Married to David for over 26 years, they live with kitties Petey and Lucy in the Front Range of Colorado.  Are there aliens cruising the skies over her home?  She thinks the logic is irrefutable.

SIZE MATTERS: WHEN IT COMES TO MARRIAGE, SMALLER IS BETTER.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment
Ever feel like you bit off more than you could chew?

Ever feel like you bit off more than you could chew?

When it’s all too much, you feel crummy, your relationship sucks, it’s time to pare down, slow down, get down and get funky, sorta New Age-y. Like this.

Do the math:  Go granular, deconstruct.  Find the lowest common denominator. For example, I handed my husband folded jeans fresh from the dryer, still warm.  I was so proud, you’d think I’d baked bread or something. Don’t do laundry? Then sit outside, feel the sunshine; John Denver did and it worked out real well for him.  After the initial discomfort of treating yourself better, odds are you breathe deeper and sleep more soundly.

Be a cat:  See yourself, your relationship, the clothes in your closet, from another angle.  Habit can be an enemy when it dulls relationship skills like communication, disallows surprises, and steals joy. (By the way, when was the last time you two did something sheerly for the joy of having fun?)  Try this: whether you have a pet or not, get down on the floor and see your everyday world from their perspective.  Or imagine the lives of people in the car next to yours. Better yet, what do you think people imagine about you? Hope you’re ready to do something decidedly not you; Halloween is a great permission-giving time for both of you.

Follow the Rules of Hole Digging:  In the film, “Holes”, digging was a pointless activity.  It’s sort of like fighting change: you become embroiled in ceaseless and unsuccessful activity.  Like digging holes.  Lurching through life is to stumble and eventually fall (with a disability like MS, I know from that.) Regaining control through changing my behavior is scary. I’d rather fall, even though not falling means a better marriage, an improved outlook, fewer trips to the chiropractor.  Being in control means checking the lay of the land: does it look familiar? lost the way? does that destination even make sense anymore? Follow the First Rule of Hole Digging: Stop Digging!  The Second Rule?  Put the shovel down.

Be astounded:  Ever watch your pet watch his environment?  Pets are always alert, reactive, even to the familiar.  Be warned, though!  A new perspective demands being more present. Be still; heighten your senses and, paradoxically, find yourself relaxing. Several times I’ve taken a mind-rest and fallen asleep at my desk.  One time, I even fell off the chair. That’s not necessarily a bad thing (resting, not falling off a chair.) Rest is also a good antidote for stress; you can’t be angry and relaxed at the same time.

Find Nemo:  All change is about loss.  We have to let go, whether we want to or not; it’s what everything’s about.  “Letting go” and “staying healthy” go together, as Nemo and his dad discovered.  Life lessons, if not everywhere, are plentiful; it’s part of the flow.  For many of us with invisible disabilities, change is profound,bittersweet, and, like some change, unwanted.  Know that the flow is all around you; feel the fear, get out of your own way, and, like Nemo, join the flow anyway.

The smaller pieces of your life are no less a treasure than the whole they combine to make.  Small things can have big rewards.  I’ve been finding pleasure doing things not high on my professional gradient of importance.  Ironing, for example.  There can be satisfaction, even pride, in moving away from what’s complex to what takes a slow hand.  And, if you allow it, a hefty measure of peacefulness.

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist and relationship coach, working especially with couples whose togetherness is impacted by invisible illness or disability.  She has struggled this year with major changes in her personal, professional, and family life and is heeding the whisper of change and slowing down.  She and her husband, David, are taught each day about the importance of resting from Petey and Lucy, their cats.

DROOPY BOWS? NOT AT MY HOUSE!

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

little girl ironingIt started with doll clothes.

Dad’s hankies.

Pillow cases.

That’s how I learned to iron.

Those were the days when ironing was hot, hard, serious work.  Still damp, starched clothes were rolled tight, then stored in a vegetable-bin-type container in the fridge.  Mom took her role seriously, playing her part in Dad’s job.  She ironed my father’s military uniforms with care and precision for over 25 years.

Boy, did he look sharp.

And when my sister and I went to elementary school, our dresses were starched, the bows in the back ironed, pert, and tied with precision.   There were no droopy bows at our house.

Mom taught me to iron critically and carefully.  Only press velvet inside-out.  Steam woolens, preferably with a press cloth between the iron and the fabric.  Shirts, especially collars and cuffs, called for starch.  The most important message was to never ever leave the house without wearing clean, pressed clothes and polished shoes.  (Shoe care was Dad’s department — even now, I resent that my husband doesn’t make with the shinola.)

My parents were not wealthy nor did they come from wealth; their parents immigrated from Europe over 100 years ago.  Their children, my parents, knew that appearance was the way to fit in.  Growing up a military brat, I learned that, too.

When Mom moved to a care facillity she complained if her slacks weren’t crisply pressed.  “Double tracks” she called it when a new crease ran parallel to the old one.

To this day, I can’t look at a pair of pants I’ve hastily pressed without calling myself out for creating double tracks.

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist and relationship coach specializing in work with couples whose relationship is impacted by invisible illness.  She herself has multiple sclerosis.   During a recent move, she filled a large box with ironing that (still) needs to be done.  Her’s and David’s two kitties now treat the ironing board as part of the furniture, which it is.  She would be pleased to hear from you.

WANNA BE HEALTHIER? EAT DINNER TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 2 Comments
The family that eats together grows healthier together.

The family that eats together grows healthier together.

Overwhelmingly, the percentage of people I see in my psychotherapy practice don’t sit down together as a family at dinnertime. Could this be an indicator of family and personal health and well-being?  In a word, “yes”.

When parental schedules revolve around their children’s, the result is that every weeknight and most weekends are taken up with a child’s activities. Not only doesn’t the family eat together, they may rarely be together at all. Even without the interference of outside activities, many parents automatically model what they’ve experienced. Children may be on their own while both parents are working. At day’s end, adults may be too mentally and physically fried to put a dinner on the table. Everyone is on their own: a bowl of cereal in front of the computer or the t.v.; a salad consumed standing at the kitchen counter; stopping for a burger on the way home. For whatever reason, parents and children go different ways.

The family is split apart.

Dissatisfaction between partners is often de-escalated by focusing on children, on whose shoulders it falls to “save” the family, become the family’s “good” definition. As mini-adults, success where parents have failed has everything revolving around these children.  This is enormous pressure for a child, especially when the family doesn’t know how to cope when a child falls short of expectations.

And so it goes: Children who grow to be self-absorbed and entitled; over-anxious because of innate inabilities that don’t match expectations; parents who don’t spend time together, weakening their relationship and modeling how couplehood looks; spending only “family time” together, thus negating the separate roles of each family member must play.

Perhaps saddest of all, families without knowledge and understanding of who they are in the grand scheme of connection and continuity to their own Family History. As each individual of a family grows, so does the family grow. Family is a separate entity as much as it’s an entity made up of its parts. It’s where we learn who we are and find comfort when that’s hard to figure out. Where we can heal and repair. And where we can learn healthy ways of being “part of”.

Metaphorically and really, health begins here, at the family’s table at dinnertime.

Except for sitting at the dinner table alone until her plate was clean of beans, Kathe Skinner’s memories of dinnertime with family and friends are fond ones.  The experience continues in the homes of Kathe and husband David and their families.  Their two cats, Petey and Lucy, have opted out of people food and don’t join them for meals.  Kathe is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach specializing in couples, especially those experiencing invisible disabilities.

HEALTHY LOVE AT THE U.S. OPEN

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The U.S. Open, the last of the tennis year’s four majors, is powering its way to the finals, and I’m psyched.

Tennis is an intense human drama that showcases the psychology of winning — belief in self, winning through intimidation, body language, gamesmanship, positive self-talk, courage, and reaching deep past pain and fatigue to tap the will to win.

It’s not surprising as a couples therapist I would remark on the irony of tennis’s scoring where zero (“love”) literally means “nothing”.  The phraseology’s origin is unclear.  Some cite the similarity of a zero’s shape to an egg (the French word is l’oeuf) while it’s also been said that “love of the game” or playing for love is what’s being referenced.

Apply tennis’ meaning of love to relationships’ meaning.  How incongruous to say that love is nothing!  That a feeling that surpasses everything, that defies explanation, and that transcends other emotions in its saving grace is nothing. Unlike tennis, healthy couples love doesn’t count winners or losers, nor does it strategize another’s defeat.

Love doesn’t take sides.  The best duos are dynamic for years, honing skills through practice practice practice, all the while getting closer and closer. Relationship longevity is the result.

The problem for many couples is knowing what to do to have things be better between them.  After all, what they’ve done so far often makes things worse.

Both partners absolutely need to learn the basic skills that account for fruitful communication.  Without it, a relationship’s foundation is incomplete, shaky, bound to crumble under the weight of all that happens in a couple’s life together. Couples have many choices when it comes learning communication skills.  Along the Denver/Colorado Springs corridor one example is the Couple Communication Workshop offered by Being Heard, a program unique in having a husband and wife team as instructors.

In a beguiling contrast to singles competition, partners in doubles — two partners competing against each other — is very much like romantic love.  Togetherness has great purpose and meaning; there’s a full and expressed range of emotional intensity that includes joy, disappointment, and frustration; and having your partner’s back is the way it’s supposed to be.

Kathe Skinner specializes in couples work as a psychotherapist in private practice.  These days the only tennis ball in her life belongs to the dog next door. Married for 29 years to David, another fan of “love”, they live in Colorado Springs with two hooligans cats who couldn’t tell a Venus from a Serena.

Copyright, 2015

Being Heard, LLC