Category Couples

HAVE SEX OR DO LAUNDRY?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

bigstock-Blue-laundry-basket-isolated-o-48813821No brainer, right?  But for many women, it’s not as stupid a question as you’d think.

The 21st Century may see a socioeconomic shift in favor of women, e.g. more upper-level management positions, more business owners, greater control of wealth.

Success comes at a price; working harder for longer hours upsets the already teetering balance among personal, relationship, and family demands.  Another price?  Women are just as likely to experience heart disease as men.

For decades men have steadily increased the amount of time they put into housework and childcare.  Even so, the reality in most families where both partners work still reflects a scale that’s less than balanced.  And while the workforce is trending toward containing equal numbers of men and women, that increased role doesn’t usually reflect other, needed, social changes, like equal pay, daycare, maternity leave, or scheduling flexibility in attending to family needs (like staying home with a sick child).

Women as breadwinners are another phenomenon of the new century’s economic downturn.  That kind of role-shift between partners rocks a boat already sinking with the weight of household needs – who does what?  How long before hunting dust bunnies pales in comparison to hunting mastodons?

It’s a 24/7 job, no matter who does it and whether the family knows it or not, holding fast is everyone’s job.  While men may be able to put sex toward the top of the pyramid (at times even the tippy top), most women are still in the burial chamber, getting the mummy ready for bed.

Fact is, too many married women look to their partners to lighten the loads of laundry, not for sex.

In this context, how does a willingness to do some horizontal exercise together move up in your list of must-do’s?

  • Talk Together.  Remember how it was when your relationship began?  You two talked forever.  It worked then; why not now?  Remember that part of what makes your marriage exciting (and sometimes turbulent) are your differences.
  • Mourn.  Be brave; acknowledge that some hopes and dreams are no longer attainable or even reasonable.  Holding on can pull you both down.  Move forward by dreaming in a different color.
  • Say it Out Loud.   No one knows what you’re thinking unless you say it out loud.  You may have always expected your partner to be a mind reader, thinking “If they loved me…they’d know.”
  • Re-Prioritize.  And share the list with your partner.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.
  • Negotiate.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.  Be sure to follow through.
  • Delegate.  Neither of you is superhuman.  Trying to do it  alone hasn’t worked, has it?  Too many women excuse children from sharing in home tasks.  This often untapped resource can learn, starting as early as age 3,  responsibility, ownership and pride.  And you catch a break.Cluttering our days with unreasonable expectations and unspoken needs is so much less necessary to our happiness – and health – than being together.  So what’s stopping you?

Specializing in couples work, Kathe Skinner is a Colorado Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist.  She works especially those couples where invisible disability is present.  She and husband, David, have lots of practice re-prioritizing retirement in interesting economic Find the schedule for the next Couple Communication Workshop at http://www.beingheardnow.com

© 2014 Being Heard

‘TIS THE SEASON TO LOSE BIG CLUMPS OF HAIR

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

stressed christms“God bless us, every one.”

I think Tiny Tim got really chilled waiting in line on Black Friday.

And Cyber Monday.

Come to think of it, somebody told me he was at the mall the other day, too.  Amazing, since he hit the deck real hard when he lost a tug of war over some on-sale Levi’s.  Gotta give him credit for gettin’ back on the horse.

Poor guy.

We had coffee at his house the other day.  I didn’t say anything, but you shoulda seen the place.   Like Santa’s workshop, but no ho ho ho. Bags from Macy’s and Target and  Aeropostale with who-knows-what in ’em.  Honestly, I don’t think Tim even knows.

Tim told me he couldn’t resist.  “So what’s left over’ll go into the storage locker with last year’s stuff.  No big deal.”

I don’t wanna say anything, but he seemed a little stressed.  Okay, okay, a lot stressed.   Nasty nightmares, even when he could sleep. Way overspending.  I gotta say, the marriage ain’t lookin’ so good, either.  Vicky’s back at her mother’s; said she just couldn’t bear to hear one more ***damn ring-a-ling-ling.  What?  I didn’t tell you?  Tim sat on a bag of bells, didn’t notice, and they somehow worked their way into…well, you know where.  Actually a nice sound when he moved; a little muted, but what the hey.

All that shopping, gotta be listed somewhere they talk about sicknesses.  But you know Tim; can’t tell him anything.

If you ask me, I think all this joy and peace and fa la la la la is killing him.

So, hey, me and the missus, we’re gonna do this 90% off warehouse sale.  Gonna go early.  Like before the sun’s up.  Wanna come?

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Relationship Coach.  She has a small stash of presents for somebody-in-the-future but has considerably whittled down her holdings.  She’s a firm believer in the concept of ceasing all manufacturing of giftable goods, believing everyone should recycle stuff by shopping at one big garage sale.  She and husband, David, live in Colorado with Petey and Lucy, kitties who leave little presents for them all year round.

©2013 Being Heard, LLC

THE RORSCHACH WENCH.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

the-aestate-color-rorschach-inkblot-ink-blot-green-acid-art-print-painting

I keep a book in my office and if I had a coffee table, it would be on it.

It’s red, with a coffee spill down the front that’s dried into a Rorschach-kind of thing.  Nifty for it to be in a therapist’s office.

Inside, dozens of clients have written their “should’s”.

It’s not instructive to describe what they said; more than likely, their self-flagellations are the same as  yours.  What catches the new subscribers is how similar their self-flagellations are.  Put another way, there’s nothing special in their dysfunctional thinking.

Back when I was exploring how should’s get perpetuated, I was stunned and amazed to find myself described in the exact words I’d always used in describing my neuroses (notice I used the plural).  Admittedly, there was disappointment in seeing myself laid out like some common Rorschach wench.   I suspect that others, too, hold their depression, anxiety, mania, whatever, as a sort of badge of differentiation from others.

For others, as it was for me, depression is powerful; it was the coin of my realm and the way I bought into the realm I inhabited growing up.  Depression can get attention, especially when nothing else seems to.  That can be true in a  marriage where one partner exists with an invisible disability.   And just like for the kid who acts out, it’s attention of some kind, even if it bears a high price.

Being a therapist, consequently, has been double-edged: one edge cuts through the dysfunctional thinking, the should’s, the irrespective unfairnesses; while the other is sad to see those defenses so cut down.  What I do in my office forces me to be embarrassed at my own mental laziness.  Being depressed is hard; so is being anxious or manic.

But hey, it’s hard even when you’re not.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  She comes by depression naturally as well as artificially and has recently added anxiety, for which she can thank multiple sclerosis.  Petey and Lucy, the two hooligan cats Kathe and David share their lives with, are too annoying to let depression settle too quietly in their home.  Kathe and David get out of the house by teaching partners the communication skills their relationships need.

HEALTHY LOVE AT THE U.S. OPEN

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

The U.S. Open, the last of the tennis year’s four majors, is powering its way to the finals, and I’m psyched.

Tennis is an intense human drama that showcases the psychology of winning — belief in self, winning through intimidation, body language, gamesmanship, positive self-talk, courage, and reaching deep past pain and fatigue to tap the will to win.

It’s not surprising as a couples therapist I would remark on the irony of tennis’s scoring where zero (“love”) literally means “nothing”.  The phraseology’s origin is unclear.  Some cite the similarity of a zero’s shape to an egg (the French word is l’oeuf) while it’s also been said that “love of the game” or playing for love is what’s being referenced.

Apply tennis’ meaning of love to relationships’ meaning.  How incongruous to say that love is nothing!  That a feeling that surpasses everything, that defies explanation, and that transcends other emotions in its saving grace is nothing. Unlike tennis, healthy couples love doesn’t count winners or losers, nor does it strategize another’s defeat.

Love doesn’t take sides.  The best duos are dynamic for years, honing skills through practice practice practice, all the while getting closer and closer. Relationship longevity is the result.

The problem for many couples is knowing what to do to have things be better between them.  After all, what they’ve done so far often makes things worse.

Both partners absolutely need to learn the basic skills that account for fruitful communication.  Without it, a relationship’s foundation is incomplete, shaky, bound to crumble under the weight of all that happens in a couple’s life together. Couples have many choices when it comes learning communication skills.  Along the Denver/Colorado Springs corridor one example is the Couple Communication Workshop offered by Being Heard, a program unique in having a husband and wife team as instructors.

In a beguiling contrast to singles competition, partners in doubles — two partners competing against each other — is very much like romantic love.  Togetherness has great purpose and meaning; there’s a full and expressed range of emotional intensity that includes joy, disappointment, and frustration; and having your partner’s back is the way it’s supposed to be.

Kathe Skinner specializes in couples work as a psychotherapist in private practice.  These days the only tennis ball in her life belongs to the dog next door. Married for 29 years to David, another fan of “love”, they live in Colorado Springs with two hooligans cats who couldn’t tell a Venus from a Serena.

Copyright, 2015

Being Heard, LLC

HOW CAN PARALYZED BE PRETTY?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Photograph of Rachel and her husband Chris on their wedding day.

Photograph of Rachel and her husband Chris on their wedding day. Photo credit: Martha Manning Photography

I blog for the government’s disability website, Disability.gov   If you haven’t visited, do so; it’s cool, comfy, and inspiring.  At a recent look-see, I plopped into a story about Rachelle Friedman, written by the person who knows her best — herself.

You might remember her story.  Last year, at Rachelle’s bachelorette party, a friend’s playful gesture resulted in a spinal cord injury when Rachelle was pushed into the swimming pool.

The wedding was as sweet as weddings always are; maybe even bittersweet. By necessity, the wedding was delayed until Rachelle was recovered enough physically.  Because of the weight she lost, Rachelle’s wedding dress fit differently.  And the couple’s first dance brought the guests to tears.

At her age, Rachelle has had to face, career-wise, what is usually faced much later in life.  Changing careers is generally a choice, but not for her.   As a Program Coordinator, Rachelle planned and taught classes like line dancing and aerobics to seniors.  She calls herself an “unreliable employee” now, one who can’t be counted on as a 9-5 employee because of low blood pressure and nerve pain.Re-focusing, this young woman looks to doing more speaking.

Unsure of a definite direction, this young woman wants to make a career out of public speaking, maybe relationship coaching (which is how we got acquainted.)  Not surprisingly, judging from her first career choice, Rachelle’s into helping others.   She still wants to be inspiring and educating to others.

What happened to Chris and Rachelle is one of those “out of time” things; being disabled young is like a long prison sentence — no choice but to serve it out.  Besides the emotional disruption, the financial cost been significant, too. Being disabled isn’t cheap, and earning potential all but disappears.

So much of this couple’s future can’t be imagined, and is one that certainly wasn’t planned.  While they don’t yet know it, this couple’s future will be different in another way, too:  the love and compassion they have for each other now will be small in comparison to what it will one day be.

Next time, I talk with Rachelle about  marriage, sex, and the fishbowl of being a disabled hero.

Visit Rachelle at www.facebook.com/rachelleandchris and on Twitter at @followrachelle.  Watch for her book next year!

Kathe Skinner is a Relationship Coach, Certified Relationship Expert and Marriage & Family Therapist in Colorado where she conducts k-cropped-4x6communication workshops for couples, pre-married’s, the invisibly disabled, and the over 50 crowd.  Kathe enjoys collaborating with other professionals in order to reach more relationships affected by hidden disability.  She sits on the Executive Board of the Invisible Disabilities Association, is a regular contributor to Disability.gov., and is an ardent-and-natural-teacher-without-a-classroom.  She has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis for over 30 years.  More about Kathe at www.BeingHeardNow.com.

VERBAL OOPSES

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 4 Comments

bigstock-Oops-336406

I was in the health food store yesterday and helped a little girl, about 8 years old, who couldn’t reach the roll of plastic food bags.  When I left the store, I saw her standing with an older woman; I smiled at the woman and asked if the little blonde was her granddaughter.  In halting, Scandinavian-accented English she told me no, the little girl was her daughter.   Hoping my embarrassment didn’t show I went ahead with what I was going to say in the first place – that the little girl was beautiful and very polite.  But with her having trouble speaking English, and it being the holidays and all, I do think it was “mormor” after all, visiting from Europe.

I’ve been wrong other times, too; either by omission or assumption.  When I greet already-established clients as newbies what is there to say?   Name slips are easier to cover; I just correct myself after apologizing profusely.  It’s when I discover my screw-up after the client’s left that grates; unfinished business or lack of closure or something like that.  All I know is that I hate having apologies go undelivered.  The absolute worst is making dead-wrong assumptions that are innocent but insulting.  Ever asked an overweight woman when she’s due?

I don’t think I’m the only one whose engagement with others doesn’t always work out.  It’s not always true that other people want to be vulnerable to strangers; it’s the grand assumption I make about people, probably because of what I do for a living.

There are unspoken rules about physical proximity, “getting in someone’s space”, and there are verbal ones, too.  Like how you talk, what you say, the purpose of saying something at all.

Women often complain that their partners don’t talk to them.  It’s assumed (there’s that word, again) that a partner’s thoughts, and especially feelings, are being purposely withheld.  It would be a darned interesting experiment (but unethical) to see if those same partners are verbally receptive to stranger-talk.  We’re usually nicer to strangers than we are to the ones we love.

Sometimes things just come out wrong.   Last time I was snacking my way through Costco I told the sample lady I’d knock her out just to steal every one of the cream puffs she was demo-ing.  Thankfully she was quick on the uptake, got it, and didn’t call security.

Do guys make these goofy blunders?  I know they do in sitcoms but do they in real life?  Don’t know; my partner hasn’t said.

Kathe Skinner is an inveterate chatter who specializes in coaching couples, especially couples whose relationship is impacted by invisible disability.  She lives in Colorado with her mostly-quiet husband, David, and their two hooligan cats.  Lucy chats more than Petey; guess what they say about women talking more than men is true of cats, too.

How Come It’s “We’re Pregnant” But It’s Not “We’re Disabled”?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

I don’t know when it became fashionable to identify pregnancy as an adventure à deux.  It always seemed lopsided that pregnancy excluded men from throwing up, having swollen ankles and shrewish moods.  I’m not even talking about all those forever changes like stretch marks, a bigger butt, and wider hips.  With the possibility of gestational diabetes, postpartum depression, or miscarriage, the adventure becomes a challenge, albeit one that affects the relationship although it is physically experienced only by the woman.

Not to make it one-sided, men’s experiences are extraordinary, too, and may include being the target of a woman’s whacky moods or being the late-night junk food scrounger.  For guys, it hits that the two of you are now a family, with all the attendant expectations to be the one who forevermore protects and provides.

Without a doubt there are many, many women for whom pregnancy is a delightful experience. The glowing, the growing, and giving life is an experience like no other.  Pregnant women and moms belong to an exclusive club that has unbend-able  membership rules.  So even if it was the two of you being pregnant, only one of you, in the strictest sense, is a mom.

It’s the same when a woman is disabled or chronically ill.  Only one of you is impaired even while both of you — your relationship — can be impaired.   Having an invisible disability can be the worst of all.

Our society looks for proof; needs to name it; needs to touch it or otherwise experience its reality.  You can’t be “a little bit pregnant”; you either are or you’re not.  Pee on a stick and you prove it.  With invisible disabilities, there’s no pee test.  For some people, taking it on faith is harder than believing that what isn’t seen is true.  For example, not being able to prove the existence of god doesn’t mean god doesn’t exist.  Obviously, it’s the emotion surrounding belief that counts; to disbelieve or doubt a person’s physical or emotional perceptions is tantamount to discrediting someone’s very existence.  The truth of it is immaterial, while the emotion surrounding such thoughts is what counts.  The thoughts may even be rooted in jealousy of a sort – “What, so you get a break but I don’t?”  “Buck up, you’re just being lazy.”  “I worked all day but I still have to make dinner and do the laundry and get the kids to bed before I can sit down and catch my breath and where are you? in bed.”

Quantification when invisible disability is present requires a different yardstick but most of all it requires belief, support, and compassion.

Adding a stress load to any system that is already compromised results in a predictable, and usually disastrous, outcome (think of how a building with cracks in the foundation responds to an earthquake).  The same thing happens when an already dysfunctional body system is unable to respond well when stressors are piled on.  Such stressors may include walking through a mall or having relationship difficulties.

“We’re pregnant” or “we’re disabled” is an implicit bonding between partners.  Life-changing events happen from which there is no return.  Legal sanctions apply in both situations:  the 20% of women, nationwide, who are disabled are entitled to lifetime support; children until they reach the age of majority.  Society doesn’t seem to have recognized that the “we” of marriage with children and the “we” of disability in a relationship are the same thing.

To say “we’re disabled” says that both partners are in it together, that there is emotional and physical support of the partner who is less capacitated. Pregnancy usually involves the active participation of both partners while acquiring disability isn’t chosen by either partner.  Parenthood never ends, just as disability does not; a major difference is in the expected trajectory – that parenting gets more pleasurable once the nest is empty, while disability often does the opposite.  Disability is different in that there is no consent, no pre-planning, and certainly no enjoyment in acquiring the condition.

Kathe Skinner is a Relationship Coach in private practice.   Specializing in relationships, especially those with invisible disability in the mix, she offers both in-person and web-based programs for couples.  See http://www.BeingHeardNow.com to find the right program for you!

©Kathe Skinner, 2012

CAN I BORROW YOUR FINGER FOR A SEC?

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

 

Here’s a news flash:  stress can make you sick.

Maybe you haven’t gotten the message that stress can have a permanent effect on chronic illness.  Clouds your thinking, screws up your judgment.  Gives you the weepies and the angries.  Can take away your will to vacuum the house or cook a meal.  The effects of stress on the mood and memory components of your brain can get screwed up or even shut down.

Stress looks like lots of things:  a fight with your partner; anger or hurt at work; having to euthanize your pet (even making the decision); the temperature of your environment; hunger; lack of sleep, and more.

And our stress reactions aren’t just “in our heads”; they’re physical, too.  For example, my ability, literally, to stand or walk is impacted by the amount I exert myself in a hot environment.  Actually, I don’t even have to exert myself when I’m hot:  the very act of being is enough!

Worst of all are the cognitive impairments suffered from too much stress.  ”Chemo brain” is a good example.  While some doctors argue that chemotherapy cannot affect cognitive functioning, recent studies have shown that negative symptoms can begin as quickly as when a cancer diagnosis is received.   Seems the only thing that can do that is quite literally what we think when that diagnosis is received.  Cognitive behaviorists won’t argue that irrational thoughts are what need to be changed in order to change our feelings and ultimately our behavior.

Likewise, Adele Davidson talks about the relation of stress to “chemo brain”  (negative cognitive symptoms like loss of memory, confusion, slow or difficult processing, etc.)  in her book, Your Brain After Chemo.  I think many our of disabilities’ stress responses mimic chemo brain; certainly my multiple sclerosis does.

I’ve been talking about “distress”, or “bad stress”; however, we can’t go without “eustress”, or “good stress”.  Unless we stress our minds and bodies in appropriate ways (which differ for each of us) by doing things like walking around the block, carrying the wash down the stairs then folding and it putting way, reading, playing cards, debating an issue, problem solving, etc. we become mentally and physically flabby.  Ever see someone in a waiting room doing a crossword puzzle?  Same reason lots of adults work on jigsaw puzzles.

There’s a double benefit: not only is the mental exercise good for the brain, the pleasure and relaxation have a measurable chemical benefit as well.

It’s clear that sticking your finger in the dike doesn’t do much to hold back a significant quantity of stress.  In the flash flood of stress, we need to get to higher ground, take a deep breath and be glad we saved ourselves from drowning.

Kathe Skinner is a FABULOUS RELATIONSHIP coach who presents workshops, couples retreats, and teleseminars for couples who want to live happily ever after.   She is sometimes stressed by her husband, David, and their two hooligan cats, Petey and Lucy.