THE #1 REASON WE DON’T LIKE THE HOLIDAYS

December 11, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Expectations.

Say what you want about weariness, family dysfunction, commercialism, overeating and overspending. Or that the sun’s been AWOL for 7 days straight and what’s left of the snow looks like it fell from a volcano. Any number of stress disorders, worries about money, and disliking your own relatives (including Mother) count for nothing when a houseful’s coming, it’s your turn to entertain, and hubby’s at hockey with the kids.

Not much I can add to the 487 articles on Google about holiday survival except for this: Never try out a new recipe with 20 coming for dinner.

I spent (too) many years expecting myself to live up to what I assumed was expected. I didn’t make it “granular”; Enjoyment wasn’t My Enjoyment. I lived the saying that expectations are premeditated disappointments.

Having a merry or happy or blessed was always accompanied by the picture of what it meant to be merry, happy, blessed.

I once believed that tramping through the snow, in the dark, to sit on a lonely outcropping at the edge of the forest to read a holiday card was worthy of a tug at my heart. The fact, unromantic but true, was almost certainly a frozen body part, wolves in the woods, and having to pee part way there with the probability of my butt being frozen to my heels.

I don’t think we like the holidays because we’re supposed to like the holidays; we expect to, everyone expects us to, and everyone expects everyone else to, as well. How is underwear a gift? Who could enjoy watching Uncle Jim throw up turkey dinner after drinking too much? Why would anyone endure the personal fallout of driving 600 icy miles to be with people you’re supposed to love but don’t really like?

Ain’t the holidays fun?

But when we have choices that lead us away from depression, guilt, hurt, or disappointment, we don’t make those choices often enough.

That underwear is given as a gift isn’t the reason we don’t like the holidays; the reason we don’t is because underwear, even if it has holes in it, is to be expected from parents, not partners. Big girl panties don’t send the romantic message that he’d marry you all over again. Thinking about it, though, I wouldn’t object to “tightie-whities” and “sexy” being in the same sentence.

Dissatisfaction with most holidays may have to do with the let-down that descends after shopping, spending, wrapping, waiting, and expecting. Is that all there is?

“Lower your expectations of earth,” said author Max Lucado. “This isn’t heaven, so don’t expect it to be.”

Translation: There is no gift wrap in heaven.

Kathe Skinner is a Colorado Marriage & Family Therapist who always falls for The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band’s Colorado Christmas even though she doesn’t ski and is basically an East-coast girl. She lives along the Front Range of the Rockies with cozy husband David and their two kitties Petey and Lucy, who leave little presents for them year ‘round.

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WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BEING HAPPY

July 29, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

If you’re allergic to dogs, happiness is not a warm puppy.

Metaphors about puppies, or anything else, are potentially dangerous. Even knowing where happiness — like any other emotion — occurs on the emotional spectrum doesn’t give the whole story. The only way to really know about someone else’s happiness is for you to ask and them to tell.

Thinking in deep and different ways about happiness isn’t easy. Here are some thoughts to get you started:

– Happiness has to withstand time, age like fine whiskey. Update your awareness: what made us happy then may not make us happy anymore.

– Time and distance are sweeteners; I always love those I love when I’m away from them. Be aware that both time and distance can be distorting while still sweet.

– Remembering happiness transports us to a happier time; look at the popularity of oldies music, or school reunions.

– Happiness can be a trickster. Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder, usually brought to you by distorted reality. We want happiness so much that remembering it can be larger than life.

– The “gift giver” doesn’t have to be animate and neither does the gift, like what what we derive from picturing daybreak in our mind’s eye, or watching sunrise in the moment.

– Giving happiness to someone else requires mindfulness and presence. For example, active listening to what your child, friend, partner says, and being heard yourself are monumental gifts.

– Happiness shows externally (an ear-to-ear smile) while its meaning remains internal.

– Your happiness is unique to you; no one else has ever been happy in that precise way.

– It’s personal; no one can tell you what makes you happy. Letting someone decide for you can turn happiness into unhappiness and resentment.

– It’s a singular moment in time, that’s the reason it stands out.

– Happiness can be bittersweet; like remembering past happiness that is no longer ours. The coin of happiness has another side; in some situations, there is no happy at all.

– Happiness can’t exist in a vacuum; and it can’t start there, either.

– Happiness is an active process; changing as we change, growing as we grow.

– Happiness is dynamic: the act of giving brings as much happiness as receiving. Happiness is an endless loop, where giving begets happiness that begets the receiver’s happiness that can lead to the receiver becoming the giver where each one is giving and receiving and so on and happily ever after.

Mostly, you need to know that your happy can never truly be anyone else’s. Sharing words and thoughts and then listening and hearing each other, that’s the only way any of us ever really know what makes someone else happy.

Kathe Skinner is a Colorado-based Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples work, especially those for whom invisible disabiliy is a player in their relationship. Lack of happiness and poor communication are the two biggest complaints that have couples seeking her help. She knows all too well that there are times happiness seems to be hiding under a rock. What brings her happiness? Her husband David, their 2 kitties, Petey and Lucy, the people who trust her as their therapist, and lying on a pool float looking up at a clear blue sky.

Read more about her at www.beingheardnow.com

Kathe welcomes your comments and can be reached at 719.598.6232.

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WHEN A CAREGIVER DIES

June 2, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 2 Comments

First published on Disability.gov

For 70 years she put up with his (sometimes volcanic) rumblings. He doted on her with diamonds, and was a poorer father for it.

The youngest of 5 much older siblings, she was babied into being passive and timid. He was a blustering bad boy who loved control; a lifelong natural at most things mechanical. He took seriously his duties as a man, a spouse, and head of the household. He didn’t brook anything that deviated from his definitions of right and wrong, a bigot in many ways. A mother and military wife who could fend for herself and children when she needed to, she preferred being cared for . . . and he liked it that way.

Both were fortunate: for much of their lifetimes, neither was chronically ill or disabled. Unless you count legal blindness, which he didn’t (though most who drove with him did). And even though she developed macular degeneration, a disease of the eye that usually leads to blindness, she could sometimes see the world better than he did.

Several years ago her macular degeneration began to impact both of them. By then, her hearing had deteriorated, too, and her world shrank. Although she rarely admitted fears (not to us, anyway) he expressed his the only way he knew how: he fixed as much as he could. He cut her food, gently guided her through the dimly-lit places they avoided more and more, lent her his arm, and searched out gizmos and gadgets he found in catalogues. He took care of her.

Last year, George left Kate.

True to his role, George had organized everything, including who his wife’s legal caregiver was to be — my husband. Now, almost a year later, Kate no longer plans on joining George in death right away and doesn’t cry for hours each night. Not that she tells us, anyway. As her vision deteriorates Kate, not surprisingly, adapts. David and his sisters do what they can from a distance of a thousand miles, mostly via phone calls and the occasional visit. Immediate support comes from close friends and a kind and caring nursing home staff.

Today, it takes a dozen people to do what George did. Even so, he can never be replaced.

None of us could live well if we spent too much time dwelling on the eventuality of death. But some of us — the visibly or invisibly disabled or chronically ill — need to spend more time thinking about the profound changes a caregiver’s death brings. Like David’s parents, my husband and I are fused by years, experiences, commitment and love. Though I’m the one diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, in truth MS is something we both carry.

As we age and tire, slow and re-prioritize, both of us have to remember that though we plan to go out holding hands as star-crossed lovers, the truth is more mundane . . . and likely. Whoever is left to mourn, cared-for or caregiver, what needs to happen is the same:

1. Plan now. The outcomes might look different, but the grief will be the same.

2. Get your house in order. You don’t have to be a survivalist in order to be prepared with legal, medical, financial, and personal concerns.

3. Create your own family. Gather together people who care, no matter what the will says.

4. Get outside each other. Get perspective from someone trustworthy and caring who’s outside the mix — minister, counselor, or therapist.

5. Express yourself and your needs clearly, often, and appropriately. Consider what to say and who you say it to. Sometimes being blunt can be hurtful; at other times necessary. Some people are better prepared to bring a casserole or help with housekeeping than to see you cry. Try out your voice to a journal, or pay a therapist or counselor . . . they can be skilled and trustworthy allies.

6. Keep in touch with others. It’s unfair (and shortsighted) to place the burden only in one place — like with your son.

7. Have someone to talk to, starting now. Clergy, therapist, physician, friend, partner, family can help you sort out what to say and how to say it. Think of yourself as a nuclear reactor. Keeping it to you guarantees one of two outcomes: shutting down or exploding.

8. Join a group of those experiencing what you are. There’s no substitute for having someone “get it”. Don’t believe me? Try talking to someone who doesn’t.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Relationship Specialist specializing working with couples, especially those for whom invisible disability is part of the mix. She has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis for over 35 years. Kathe and her husband David hold Communication Workshops in Colorado Springs and are both Certified Instructors for Interpersonal Communication Systems. Along with their two hooligan cats, Petey and Lucy, they live along Colorado’s Front Range. Find out more about Kathe and David at http://www.beingheardnow.com and read Kathe’s blogs, ilikebeingsickanddisabled.com and couplesbeingheardnow.com.

7 TRUTHS ABOUT COUPLES THERAPY

March 13, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Junk.

That’s the name I give to those reams of paper already printed on one side, fit only for recycling. The remains of old binders of stuff from grad school account for this week’s batch of junk paper for my printer. Like a paper I’d written almost 20 years ago: Assumptions, Approaches and Issues in Marital Therapy: A Personal Definition.

Amazingly, what I believed then, minus the naïveté and lack of experience, is largely the passion and promise of what I believe today:

1. Ease the pain. Right off the bat, a therapist’s job is to give a couple hope about the future, no matter if it’s separately or together. A therapist’s first role is to soothe heart hurt, restore faith, and normalize anger. The hard work can wait for later.

2. Children’s and pets’ behavior is about you. Overstated, but you get the point: Misbehavior, theirs or yours, is a symptom and not necessarily the cause. When you want things better at your house, start by working on the big boys and leave the small fry alone.

3. You’re driving the bus. Where we go is yours to decide; my job is to help you get there. A good travel agent doesn’t tell you where you want to go; you tell the agent. Think of me in that way, gathering information then putting a package together that gets you on your way, lending a hand when problems along the way.

4. I’m not immune to the issues you have. Part of my skill is being able to tune in to your problems. Although I’ve often been there, done that, I may see in your struggles things I have yet to resolve in my own life and relationship. In the that’s called counter-transference, and all therapists are touched by it.

5. For each step back take 2 steps forward. The family system we grew up in, and how relationships worked within it, predict behavior in our relationship now. Think of it as an individual version of “driving the bus.” Called individuation or differentiation, couples therapy looks hard at each partner’s ability to separate from those automatic behaviors we learned about ourselves and relationships so long ago. Remember that it takes two strong individuals to make a relationship work.

6. Without Action, Knowledge is wasted. Put another way, “So what’re you gonna do about it?” The whole aim of coming to therapy is “behavior change” and not just “changing your mind.” Those are things for me to know and you to learn.

7. Crisis = Opportunity. Going into marital therapy, or any kind of personal work, is an adventure whose outcome is largely unknown. What I do know is that when things come to a head tremendous opportunity for growth exists when things burst. Relationship is dynamic and as individual as each of you and the two of you together.

Hardest for me to learn has been that I can never want change more than my clients do. You will be (and ought to be) the trump card, driving force, bus driver, agent for change, mover and shaker.

What I know is that all of my skill, compassion, and knowledge will never be enough to right a boat when the passengers have jumped ship.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Coach, and Relationship Specialist who, for almost 20 years, has been in private practice along Colorado’s Front Range. She has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis longer than most relationships she sees and specializes in working with couples where invisible disability is part of the relationship mix. Kathe and her husband, David, teach Couple Communication Workshops where participants get a peek at how this team manages a marriage where 2 very different personalities see things from 3 perspectives – and where class-goers learn to do the same. Workshops are offered throughout the year. Get the schedule and learn more at http://www.BeingHeardNow.com.

Image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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IT TAKES TWO TO DO-SI-DO

February 14, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Doin’ the do-si-do’s impossible to do by yourself.

I spent lots of years hanging out with girlfriends or not hanging out at all, which was more likely to be true. Most times, none of us even had someone who filled in for love. I’m not ashamed to say there are times I would’ve settled – my need for affiliation was that great – at least for awhile. Although I did draw the line at that Mafia guy.

Being un-paired suggested to me that who I was was unacceptable; someone whose standards, suggested Mom, were sometimes too high. This time she was right.

The upshot was a 10-year marriage I never wanted and that didn’t work, anyway.

And when, post-divorce, I found someone to love, conundrums followed double-behavioral-messages and I was as heartbroken and needy as if I were one of those women who stand uncomfortably on the periphery of social situations. How humiliating that, when I bought myself a dozen roses to make him jealous, he knew no one else had done that but me.

If you haven’t been there, done that, and are newly-bummed by Valentine’s Day, here are some thoughts:

1. Scoundrels are plentiful. Scoundrels will always be scoundrels. Scoundrels become scoundrel-ier the more you like them.

2. Singles gatherings are very sad. While such encounters are billed as “fun”, they never are. They’re too often a forum for people to tell their bad/sad story. While good forums for social science researchers, mixers like this can suck the breath out you for weeks.

3. Visit the zoo. Animals who live in enclosures have other fish to fry so they’re not upset when your dump truck of emotions backs onto their turf. Just don’t dump on their food.

4. Develop a mental solidarity with women who become collectors of cats. Every cat-loving woman I’ve ever met understands how this happens, and is comforted by knowing that homeless felines are plentiful if all else fails.

5. Diet only if you want to. A hungry person is a grouchy person, not at all lovable. By the same token, if you’re ashamed of evidence of those ice cream orgies, remember that a shamed person often lies.

6. Going to a bar is noisy, phony, expensive, sometimes dangerous but often depressing, especially when your friend gets hit on and you don’t. People sucking up the bar scene are generally alcoholic, shopping for a good cut of meat, or both.

7. At the first sign of abuse run. Fast and far. Never look back.

8. Everything you’ve ever heard about kissing frogs is true. These days you really can get warts.

9. While the world feels like Noah’s Arc. fact is that with the divorce rate at 50%, out there’s a pretty big pool of people rejected by someone else. And they’re yours for the taking.

10. A clean bill of health is as important as it was to have a passport in Nazi Germany. The consequences are about the same, too.

Pairing up is about lots of things, many of which we have no control over, like the biological imperative to reproduce our species, and to protect what we create. Humans are meant to affiliate; we’re social animals who rely on, and need, each other. The herd is enormous – 7 billion and growing.

The odds are in your favor.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach who’s been in private practice for the last 17 years. She works especially with the invisibly disabled. Kathe finds real-life adventures in Front Range Colorado, where she lives with husband David and their hooligan cats, Petey and Lucy. Neither of them has square danced since they were in 6th grade. Learn more about Kathe & David Skinner and the Couples Communication Workshops they teach at http://www.BeingHeardNow.com and be sure to keep visiting Kathe’s blog at ilikebeingsickanddisabled.com. P.S. Pass it along!

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HAVE SEX OR DO LAUNDRY?

January 24, 2014Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

No brainer, right? But for many women, it’s not as stupid a question as you’d think.

The 21st Century may see a socioeconomic shift in favor of women, e.g. more upper-level management positions, more business owners, greater control of wealth.

Success comes at a price; working harder for longer hours upsets the already teetering balance among personal, relationship, and family demands. Another price? Women are just as likely to experience heart disease as men.

For decades men have steadily increased the amount of time they put into housework and childcare. Even so, the reality in most families where both partners work still reflects a scale that’s less than balanced. And while the workforce is trending toward containing equal numbers of men and women, that increased role doesn’t usually reflect other, needed, social changes, like equal pay, daycare, maternity leave, or scheduling flexibility in attending to family needs (like staying home with a sick child).

Women as breadwinners are another phenomenon of the new century’s economic downturn. That kind of role-shift between partners rocks a boat already sinking with the weight of household needs – who does what? How long before hunting dust bunnies pales in comparison to hunting mastodons?

It’s a 24/7 job, no matter who does it and whether the family knows it or not, holding fast is everyone’s job. While men may be able to put sex toward the top of the pyramid (at times even the tippy top), most women are still in the burial chamber, getting the mummy ready for bed.

Fact is, too many married women look to their partners to lighten the loads of laundry, not for sex.

In this context, how does a willingness to do some horizontal exercise together move up in your list of must-do’s?

Talk Together. Remember how it was when your relationship began? You two talked forever. It worked then; why not now? Remember that part of what makes your marriage exciting (and sometimes turbulent) are your differences.
Mourn. Be brave; acknowledge that some hopes and dreams are no longer attainable or even reasonable. Holding on can pull you both down. Move forward by dreaming in a different color.
Say it Out Loud. No one knows what you’re thinking unless you say it out loud. You may have always expected your partner to be a mind reader, thinking “If they loved me…they’d know.”
Re-Prioritize. And share the list with your partner. Working toward workability takes two. Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor? Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain? Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.
Negotiate. Working toward workability takes two. Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor? Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain? Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation. Be sure to follow through.
Delegate. Neither of you is superhuman. Trying to do it alone hasn’t worked, has it? Too many women excuse children from sharing in home tasks. This often untapped resource can learn, starting as early as age 3, responsibility, ownership and pride. And you catch a break.Cluttering our days with unreasonable expectations and unspoken needs is so much less necessary to our happiness – and health – than being together. So what’s stopping you?

Specializing in couples work, Kathe Skinner is a Colorado Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist. She works especially those couples where invisible disability is present. She and husband, David, have lots of practice re-prioritizing retirement in interesting economic Find the schedule for the next Couple Communication Workshop at http://www.beingheardnow.com

IT BEGINS AGAIN. HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE FOR 2014

December 27, 2013Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

I love presents; who doesn’t? Wrapped or unwrapped, gifts can be delightful. And while this holiday giving season is over, shopping for next year’s holiday has already begun.

My gift to you is a gift-giving guide of sorts. Garnered from over a quarter-century of giving presents great and small here are some pointers:

Buy now based on later. That little boy will be a year older by time the next holiday rolls around and what’s on-target now will be babyish. Fads, sizes, skill levels, and interests often change over time, especially with the under-20 crowd. For some things and some people, wait to buy.
Revisit the closet. Set aside space in a closet for cadeaux that never made it to the wrapping stage. I’ve found that what I was going to present to a friend’s son back then is perfect for someone else’s boy now. We often forget what’s in our stash; those great buys-that-are-too-good-pass-up. I once covered my whole list with what I already had.
Shop local. Bypass the mall to find unique and interesting goodies you may not have to spend big to give. Buying local supports regional artisans and makes your gift more meaningful. Be sure to avoid those times of year, like tourist season, when prices are marked up.
Keep track of who got and gave what: Some things are perpetually on the gifting-circuit and great care must be taken to avoid re-gifting to the gifter. I once gave a book to a special friend because the title described her so well; turns out she had given the book to me in the first place.
Avoid giving just to give. Stores are full of meaningless things we give to each other because we have to, are expected to, or are directed to. When we resent having to give, the gift itself reflects our feelings, like the pack of bobby pins I got in a $10 gift exchange. Give a gift card for gasoline or food, something everyone can use.
Match your gift to the recipient. You might not be jazzed about a 4-pack of the latest nail lacquers but a girly-girl might. And just because you’d want a set of graduated drill bits someone else (probably) won’t. Who do you have in mind when you give? Are you giving a gift you want the other person to want, or a gift they truly want? Do you even know?
Go in together. At times, a big gift that’s too pricey for just you to give would be perfect. When groups like families, colleagues or friends honor very special occasions together, the result can be impactful. Linking pocketbooks enables more choices and lets us give what we want to rather than what we can afford.
Give exponentially. Most of us, especially children, already have too much. stuff. Parents, who limit the number of kids’ gifts, are raising children who aren’t overindulged or numbed with plentitude. Giving to toy or clothing drives gets the overstock to children in need; when children themselves are involved in the giving, the original gift is given many times over. Likewise, a gift given to a helping organization in someone’s name is thoughtful and caring. Think of how many people such a donation can touch!
Pass it on or throw it out. Like other fun lovers, I’ve been known to have an out-of-season holiday party as a way of getting rid of the what was I thinking? stuff. A battery-operated spatula or cartoon character that grows grass out of its nose is too goofy to keep to yourself. Take a tip from professional organizers: give it away or throw it out, but get it off your hands.

For several years, kitties Petey and Lucy have taken the place of store-bought presents under Kathe and David’s Christmas tree. The absence of ribbon and wrap has given them both a clearer view of gifts, both given and received. Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach with a private practice in Colorado Springs where she specializes in couples work. Find out more about Kathe at http://www.BeingHeardNow.com.

‘TIS THE SEASON TO LOSE BIG CLUMPS OF HAIR

December 17, 2013Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

“God bless us, every one.”

I think Tiny Tim got really chilled waiting in line on Black Friday.

And Cyber Monday.

Come to think of it, somebody told me he was at the mall the other day, too. Amazing, since he hit the deck real hard when he lost a tug of war over some on-sale Levi’s. Gotta give him credit for gettin’ back on the horse.

Poor guy.

We had coffee at his house the other day. I didn’t say anything, but you shoulda seen the place. Like Santa’s workshop, but no ho ho ho. Bags from Macy’s and Target and Aeropostale with who-knows-what in ’em. Honestly, I don’t think Tim even knows.

Tim told me he couldn’t resist. “So what’s left over’ll go into the storage locker with last year’s stuff. No big deal.”

I don’t wanna say anything, but he seemed a little stressed. Okay, okay, a lot stressed. Nasty nightmares, even when he could sleep. Way overspending. I gotta say, the marriage ain’t lookin’ so good, either. Vicky’s back at her mother’s; said she just couldn’t bear to hear one more ***damn ring-a-ling-ling. What? I didn’t tell you? Tim sat on a bag of bells, didn’t notice, and they somehow worked their way into…well, you know where. Actually a nice sound when he moved; a little muted, but what the hey.

All that shopping, gotta be listed somewhere they talk about sicknesses. But you know Tim; can’t tell him anything.

If you ask me, I think all this joy and peace and fa la la la la is killing him.

So, hey, me and the missus, we’re gonna do this 90% off warehouse sale. Gonna go early. Like before the sun’s up. Wanna come?

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Relationship Coach. She has a small stash of presents for somebody-in-the-future but has considerably whittled down her holdings. She’s a firm believer in the concept of ceasing all manufacturing of giftable goods, believing everyone should recycle stuff by shopping at one big garage sale. She and husband, David, live in Colorado with Petey and Lucy, kitties who leave little presents for them all year round.

THE RORSCHACH WENCH.

December 12, 2013Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

I keep a book in my office and if I had a coffee table, it would be on it.

It’s red, with a coffee spill down the front that’s dried into a Rorschach-kind of thing. Nifty for it to be in a therapist’s office.

Inside, dozens of clients have written their “should’s”.

It’s not instructive to describe what they said; more than likely, their self-flagellations are the same as yours. What catches the new subscribers is how similar their self-flagellations are. Put another way, there’s nothing special in their dysfunctional thinking.

Back when I was exploring how should’s get perpetuated, I was stunned and amazed to find myself described in the exact words I’d always used in describing my neuroses (notice I used the plural). Admittedly, there was disappointment in seeing myself laid out like some common Rorschach wench. I suspect that others, too, hold their depression, anxiety, mania, whatever, as a sort of badge of differentiation from others.

For others, as it was for me, depression is powerful; it was the coin of my realm and the way I bought into the realm I inhabited growing up. Depression can get attention, especially when nothing else seems to. That can be true in a marriage where one partner exists with an invisible disability. And just like for the kid who acts out, it’s attention of some kind, even if it bears a high price.

Being a therapist, consequently, has been double-edged: one edge cuts through the dysfunctional thinking, the should’s, the irrespective unfairnesses; while the other is sad to see those defenses so cut down. What I do in my office forces me to be embarrassed at my own mental laziness. Being depressed is hard; so is being anxious or manic.

But hey, it’s hard even when you’re not.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She comes by depression naturally as well as artificially and has recently added anxiety, for which she can thank multiple sclerosis. Petey and Lucy, the two hooligan cats Kathe and David share their lives with, are too annoying to let depression settle too quietly in their home. Kathe and David get out of the house by teaching partners the communication skills their relationships need.

OLD LOVE LETTERS FROM YOUR PAST: GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

December 5, 2013Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 5 Comments

I’d forgotten all about them, so when my husband plunked down dusty, dirty old boxes for me to go through, I inwardly groaned at more work. What I found caused me to turn off the TV, plop down on the floor, and get teary.

Some things are personal. It’s okay, healthy even, to keep private some things, especially from your partner. You disrespect all three of you by telling all, or worse: using an old relationship to make your partner angry or jealous. What passed between you and an old love is about as private as it gets and ought to be kept that way – unless it’s an STD in which case your partner knows something anyway.

Here’s why those almost 50-year old letters are meaningful to my marriage today.

That was then. Old love letters bookmark a time never to be recaptured. Memories are wrapped in words that are still breathtaking, kind of like a favorite old movie watched over and over again. That was long before kids and careers, mortgage payments and personal tragedies – all the water that’s gone under the bridge. Anyone who’s tried knows wishing doesn’t make it so. If you have the chance to go to a school reunion, take it. It’ll make you careful about what you wish for and maybe keep you from trading one used car for another.

20/20 Vision. How many times have we wished for hindsight? Knew then what we know now? Old love letters give you an opportunity to jump between realities; to see that your life has become far richer in experience than what it was then. You wouldn’t make the same decisions today because you’re more knowing and because you know more, too. Seeing clearly isn’t just about having new glasses; they only work when you wear them. Maybe the past gets romanticized because it was so free of all we see and know today. Most of what happened long ago was drama without impactful consequences; no wonder those were the best days of our lives.

An ego-boost. Those old love letters described things that, ahem, were personal. Very personal. After reading them, I’m likely to dial up some oldies, suck in what I can of my tummy, and turn my best side to the mirror. But, at 60 years old plus, I can’t see much of the hot-looking girl in the picture I hold. Those letters dialed back the scale, dialed back the clock, and let me be Cinderella waltzing a horizontal dance with someone who’s not the prince of my heart today. Part of what’s swoon-worthy are the words themselves – I can always be bought that way. That I was described so beautifully made me feel beautiful every time I read them. They still do.

Appreciation for today. My high school years were spent in Hawaii – a place imbued with the honeymoon-like magic of new love – during the powerful and poignant Age of Aquarius. Juxtaposed with rule bending and breaking was the rule-bound experience of Viet Nam. But my memories, all these 40+ years later, pumped as they were by the unique history of the late 60s, are no less vivid and meaningful as anyone else’s. Reminders of the past, like the letters I re-read, show me how much more I have to love now. And even how much better at it I am.

Didn’t Want Him, Anyway. Back then, love was pretty black and white; no mortgages, usually no kids, definitely no wisdom. Today’s love, mature love, knows that love can be fickle and to keep it requires attention and effort. If I’d gotten on a white horse (or in a VW van) and ridden off with my first love, the scenery would look nothing like it does now. I like the bourgeois creature comforts most aging hippies fell for, too. Honestly, while I would’ve made a few changes along this long, long way, starting over with the boy who wrote those heartbreakingly beautiful letters wouldn’t have been one of them.

Having moments of nostalgia and longing for the past are natural. Keeping those moments alive is part of the romantic, fanciful, non-threatening part in each of us. Humans are unique in the ability to fully remember the past. But know that bringing it forward, unaltered, never works.

I finished reading the notes the other night, then broke down the dusty box and put it in the recycle bin. The few I saved still whisper about what was and will get packed away until I again need to feel delicious. The touching wish left behind is about gifting the past’s richness to my marriage today.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Relationship Expert who shares with couples how to keep love alive and growing. She encourages them to write love letters. Kathe, and her husband, David, have been married nearing 30 years; their love is shared with cats Lucy and Petey, both of whom send messages in other ways. In that dusty box Kathe found the first card ever sent to her by David; odd she kept it since it wasn’t romantic at all.

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