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Menopause Awareness Month: Let’s Start Something

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Something as natural as menopause can feel pretty darn disabling. But where the real disability comes into play is what this event in a woman’s life impacts — not just her or the man she’s in a committed relationship with, but their relationship, their families, friends, and workmates. Looked at that way, there’s not one justifiable reason for ignorance. about menopause.

barbdepree's avatarMiddlesexMD Blog

My car’s license plate reads “HOTFLAS.” I take it for granted, until someone rolls down his window to talk to me at a stop sign.

“Hey, I like your license plate,” he says. “You must be about 50. Wow, my wife is going through that. It’s really tough. It’s been a real challenge.”

Only a few days later, I was meeting with a colleague from a nonprofit for whom I volunteer. “Remind me what you do,” he said. It took about half a sentence from me (“I’m a doctor specializing in menopause care…”) to strike a nerve with him. “It’s like a stranger is living in my house,” he said, of his wife’s journey through menopause.

It’s Menopause Awareness Month. These men—among so many others who regularly cross my path—are aware of menopause. Now. I think it’s safe to say that the experience has taken them—and their wives—somewhat by…

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STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR PARTNER AND LOSE WEIGHT

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

scale I don’t know anyone who pigs out on carrot sticks after fighting with a partner.  More likely it’s Haagen Dazs or chips.

Dropping 30 lbs. might not be as easy as mending fences, but research shows a correlation between making poor food choices and marital arguing.

Turns out that production of an appetite-increasing hormone called ghrelin is produced in the brain right after arguing with a partner.  Researcheres are quick to add that while ghrelin doesn’t cause junk food eating after a fight, the correlation between the two is strong.  That’s true for both sexes.

Couples who were at a healthy weight, or overweight, had higher levels of ghrelin right after arguments.  For whatever reason the same didn’t hold for people whose BMI classified them as obese.

Put another way, the greater the expressed friction between partners the more they eat crummy food resulting in more weight gain.  And gaining weight results in self-image problems which feeds junk food eating which increases anger and frustration which puts a partner in a bad mood for starters that only needs annoyance with the other partner to explode into an argument.  And so it goes.

More reasons couples therapy is a good idea.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes working with distressed couples.  She and her husband David teach a Couple Communication Workshop that teaches couples to take the heat out of disagreeing.

copyright, 2015  Being Heard, LLC

CARRY MARRIAGE SOMEPLACE NEW.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

couple and bridgeIn life, bridges connect us to the future. They provide passage to carry us forward to new discoveries, new opportunities, and renewed relationships.

But crossing a bridge means making a change, and change can be uncomfortable. We’re torn between staying where we are or venturing into the unknown. And often, when given the option to turn back to what is safe and comfortable… we do.

And that’s why we must reach deep inside and gather up the courage to burn some old and useless relationship habits and beliefs so that we can move forward and cross bridges into new ones.

When you cross a new bridge….or burn an old one…you are growing, changing, and evolving. Sure, it’s scary not to know exactly what lies ahead, but as C.S. Lewis said, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

What bridges do you need to burn? And what bridges are waiting to lead you to new discoveries? There are many opportunities that lie ahead for you – all it takes is having the courage to find which bridges to cross… and which one to burn.

Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in work with couples.  She and husband David teach Secular Couple Communication Workshops in Colorado Springs throughout the year.  

Copyright 2015, Being Heard LLC

I ALREADY SAID “SORRY”.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

Antarctic penguins on ice - digital artwork

You can make your relationship better by apologizing the right way.  An 18-year-old blogger already gets it and laments that her Boyfriend doesn’t.

The distress inspiring that young woman’s post mirrors what I find doing therapy with older-than-18 couples — neither knows what the other wants, needs, or is saying.  The resulting misunderstanding, frustration, and hurt are the main reasons arguments — fights — happen.

1.  First of all, demonstrate good will.  Starting to apologize means not being defensive, not arguing back or denying your partner’s reality, not attacking, not disappearing.

2.  It’s not (always) about what happened.  Personal experience shows me that my reactions have less to do with what actually happens than with what gets triggered in me when that something happens.  When David drives fast and tailgates it triggers a long-ago feeling of disregard for my (emotional) safety.  True apology happens by understanding the “back story”.

3.  Refocus attention away from yourself.  After all, apology is about your partner’s hurt, not yours.  “You’re not the only one who’s hurting” or “You think that’s bad . . .” or “What about me?” may have merit later, but in the moment are fighting words, not caring ones.

4.  Be sincere.  There’s nothing worse than making amends as a way of pacifying your partner, or when you really don’t believe you should have to.  The upshot is that you’ll continue to behave in a way that makes your partner crazy, proving your initial apology was insincere. Before long, no amends you make are believed.

5. Put action to an apology only when you understand what’s meaningful to your partner. Don’t know?  Both of you can benefit from Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.   For example, a woman might disdain getting flowers as an apology because she sees it as impersonal, and thus meaningless.  Meantime, her partner moans that she doesn’t get that it took effort, time, and money to get those flowers.

Your partner isn’t you; apologizing your way is likely to fuel more hurt; we’ve all been stuck in that vicious cycle.  Apologizing by putting yourself aside for the moment benefits your partner, thus the relationship.  Knowing what that looks like shows good will, kindness, thoughtfulness, and love.  Funny, you’ll find your partner doing the same for you.

Find Kathe Skinner in Colorado Springs where she specializes working with couples.  With husband David, Kathe also teaches a Secular Couple Communication Workshop.  Find out more! 

copyright, 2015 Being Heard, LLC

COUNSELING CAN REVIVE YOUR DYING MARRIAGE.

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. Leave a comment

love hearts abstract

Ever feel like the love is gone? 

  • Your partner isn’t the person you fell in love with. 
  • The communication gap between you widens every day.
  • Your partner won’t talk about it.
  • You’ve been unhappy for so long it feels like it’s too late. 
  • Your relationship feels dead.

Since you’re reading this article, it’s likely you still care enough about your partner and your relationship to want to help it — if you only knew how.  

Most marriages should be given a chance to succeed.

Marriage counseling can help you restore the trust and intimacy your relationship once enjoyed so that you’ll both have a secure place to learn techniques and tools that can actually make a difference.  

  • Resolve past hurts and painful memories
  • Put an end to endless arguments
  • Overcome differences in parenting styles
  • Improve your intimacy and sex life
  • Heal from an affair
  • Grow closer together
  • Take an active, involved and interested role in the life you’ve created together

Behavioral research is often focused on the clinical effectiveness of couples therapy but the subject of couples therapy is in the out-loud American mainstream, too.  Attention runs the gamut from on-line and print articles, to films like Couples Retreat, to playing supportive roles in television dramas like The Sopranos.  

Most marriage counselors would agree that a couple’s motivation to make their relationship work is the single most important factor in determining the success of couples counseling.  Beware the seduction of obtaining a promise from your partner to “work on the relationship” if one of their feet is out the door.  Breaking up is hard to do, there’s enough hurt to go around, so sometimes one partner “buys time” by agreeing to couples counseling.  Therapy also seems to be less successful for couples who wait too long before seeking help.  Unfortunately, the average number of years a distressed couple waits before seeking help is 6 years.

If you and your partner are serious about creating the best relationship possible, marriage counseling is an excellent way to explore your relationship and help each of you uncover and overcome destructive relational patterns.  Hopefully, before 6 years go by. 

Kathe Skinner has been a Marriage & Family Therapist for 20 years.  She specializes in couples work, especially with relationships where invisible disability is part of the mix.  She and her husband David have been married for 29 years and together provide a Secular Couple Communication Workshop throughout the year.  They live with their 2 hooligan cats in Colorado Springs.

HERE’S A GIFT I WANT YOU TO HAVE!

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

couple heart cartoon

For as long as I can remember, the rule of Christmas-gift-giving was there was only one big gift.  Underwear, knee socks, paperback books, cd’s, or Chapstick didn’t count – even if they got put in one big box.  That last Christmas with my ex-husband was no exception.  Small but very pricey, my big gift was 2 tickets to see the Celtics play the Knicks.  

Thing was, I didn’t like basketball. Still don’t.

He’d broken the cardinal rule of gifting:  Give a gift the other person wants to get, not the one you want the other person to have.

That was the last holiday we shared.

I’ve been married to David for 29 years now and we give “conscious gifts” about big things, like a trip.  That way, big-ticket gifts aren’t saved only for holidays, so we’re not forced to give because the calendar says so.

Giving is something we do consciously, and all the time.  Often consumables, inexpensive surprises show up at our house almost every week.  Those little gifts are small and consistent ways we’ve found to show love to each other.

With the insight of a married couple and the experience of Certified Instructors for ICPs Couple Communication program, Kathe and David teach a 12-hour Couple Communication Workshop throughout the year.  The next class begins September 24, 7-9 pm.  Register now; Workshops are small and fill up fast. 

Copyright, 2015  Being Heard, LLC

 

 

This Teen Knows When Apology Is Not Enough

Kathe Skinner, M.A., L.M.F.T. 1 Comment

You can make your relationship better! The writer of this post is 18 years old and already gets it. But does The Boyfriend?

This is what I find doing therapy with couples — neither gets what the other is saying. The misunderstanding, frustration, and hurt are one of the reasons arguments — fights — happen.

As always, start becoming aware of what’s going through your head.  Lots of us fight about everything else but what’s really got us hurt/angry/acting out.

Next step is to do something with your awareness.  In this case you can start making apology stick by choosing how best to apologize.

Uh, uh, not what floats your boat, but what floats your partner’s.  Find help discovering what that is by reading Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.  It will help a lot.

Find Kathe Skinner in Colorado Springs where she specializes working with the many parts of couples.  With husband David, Kathe also teaches a Secular Couple Communication Workshop.  Find out more! 

Ulalume's avatarLong Distance Love Life Of A Teen

I wrote a post yesterday about the frustration when my boyfriend does not apologise, and how it makes me feel, and despite believing I’d never get an apology…I got one before the end of the day.

However, it didn’t solve anything for me.  Feelings of hurt didn’t magically disappear, nor did the frustration.  Yet, if I say ‘your apology means nothing’, he may be put off from apologising (if needed) again, so where does that leave me?

With the conclusion that he has to make it up to me.

I’m not an expensive girl, and I’m easily made happy by the simplest of things. Give me your hoodie that has your scent all over it?  I’m beaming from ear to ear.  Buy me a KFC, or a doughnut?  Let me kiss the daylights out of you.  I’m very, easily, satisfied like that.

But what do I want?  I’m not materialistic…

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