15 Reasons You’re Not Getting Enough

As a Marriage & Family Therapist one of the problems I hear most often is about sex — one partner wants more while the other wants less, or none at all.

Sex is the adult version of play.  Just as it was when we were kids, there are some people who don’t play well with others.  Healthy play — for children and adults — is free of bullying, harassment, threat or harm.

Take heart in knowing that most sexual problems can be overcome with increased knowledge, a change in attitude, improved behavior, and better communication.

If you’re not getting enough sex, consider the following.

  1. You aren’t good in bed.  Read a book.  Better yet, ask your partner what feels good.
  2. You’re self-centered.  Okay for masturbation, but you’re a poor lover if conjoint love doesn’t include your partner too.
  3. You neglect foreplay or after glow.  Communicate, demonstrate that being close is just as important as the act itself.
  4. You don’t pay attention to what’s going on in your partner’s life, like illness, new parenthood, grief, stress, psychological problems, etc.
  5. You make assumptions that your partner wants the same thing, at the same time, in the same way you do.  Boredom kills enthusiasm.  
  6. You’re ugly in attitude, behavior.  No need to explain that.
  7. You’re not fun.  Play is too serious, you keep score, you sulk when you don’t get your way.
  8. You try too hard, you’re uncomfortable, or you just plain don’t know what you’re doing.  There are many ways to learn; chose what best fits you.
  9. You don’t try hard enough, not just sexually, but with the business of coupleness.  Like housework, bill paying, auto maintenance, parenting, cooking, social life, etc.
  10. It’s not about sex at all.  You’re distracted by something else — kids at the bedroom door, pets on the bed, work?
  11. You belong to the Wham Bam School of Love.
  12. You stink — your clothes, your hair, your body, the sheets.
  13. You neglect your body through poor diet, exercise, hygiene, or health.
  14. You could care less about your partner.  Enough said.
  15. Your partner has better things to do,  I once read that a certain percentage of women were on their cell phones during sex.  I don’t remember the percentage but any number is too high.

For over 20 years Kathe Skinner has been a Colorado Springs’ Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice with a specialty in couples work. She and her husband of 31 years live in Colorado where they hold communication retreats for couples. 

HAVE SEX OR DO LAUNDRY?

bigstock-Blue-laundry-basket-isolated-o-48813821No brainer, right?  But for many women, it’s not as stupid a question as you’d think.

The 21st Century may see a socioeconomic shift in favor of women, e.g. more upper-level management positions, more business owners, greater control of wealth.

Success comes at a price; working harder for longer hours upsets the already teetering balance among personal, relationship, and family demands.  Another price?  Women are just as likely to experience heart disease as men.

For decades men have steadily increased the amount of time they put into housework and childcare.  Even so, the reality in most families where both partners work still reflects a scale that’s less than balanced.  And while the workforce is trending toward containing equal numbers of men and women, that increased role doesn’t usually reflect other, needed, social changes, like equal pay, daycare, maternity leave, or scheduling flexibility in attending to family needs (like staying home with a sick child).

Women as breadwinners are another phenomenon of the new century’s economic downturn.  That kind of role-shift between partners rocks a boat already sinking with the weight of household needs – who does what?  How long before hunting dust bunnies pales in comparison to hunting mastodons?

It’s a 24/7 job, no matter who does it and whether the family knows it or not, holding fast is everyone’s job.  While men may be able to put sex toward the top of the pyramid (at times even the tippy top), most women are still in the burial chamber, getting the mummy ready for bed.

Fact is, too many married women look to their partners to lighten the loads of laundry, not for sex.

In this context, how does a willingness to do some horizontal exercise together move up in your list of must-do’s?

  • Talk Together.  Remember how it was when your relationship began?  You two talked forever.  It worked then; why not now?  Remember that part of what makes your marriage exciting (and sometimes turbulent) are your differences.
  • Mourn.  Be brave; acknowledge that some hopes and dreams are no longer attainable or even reasonable.  Holding on can pull you both down.  Move forward by dreaming in a different color.
  • Say it Out Loud.   No one knows what you’re thinking unless you say it out loud.  You may have always expected your partner to be a mind reader, thinking “If they loved me…they’d know.”
  • Re-Prioritize.  And share the list with your partner.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.
  • Negotiate.  Working toward workability takes two.  Are you tired of seeing his clothes on the floor?  Does he get crazy when your hair’s in the drain?  Negotiate a win-win; it’ll save you both time and aggravation.  Be sure to follow through.
  • Delegate.  Neither of you is superhuman.  Trying to do it  alone hasn’t worked, has it?  Too many women excuse children from sharing in home tasks.  This often untapped resource can learn, starting as early as age 3,  responsibility, ownership and pride.  And you catch a break.Cluttering our days with unreasonable expectations and unspoken needs is so much less necessary to our happiness – and health – than being together.  So what’s stopping you?

Specializing in couples work, Kathe Skinner is a Colorado Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist.  She works especially those couples where invisible disability is present.  She and husband, David, have lots of practice re-prioritizing retirement in interesting economic Find the schedule for the next Couple Communication Workshop at http://www.beingheardnow.com

© 2014 Being Heard