As a Marriage & Family Therapist one of the problems I hear most often is about sex — one partner wants more while the other wants less, or none at all.
Sex is the adult version of play. Just as it was when we were kids, there are some people who don’t play well with others. Healthy play — for children and adults — is free of bullying, harassment, threat or harm.
Take heart in knowing that most sexual problems can be overcome with increased knowledge, a change in attitude, improved behavior, and better communication.
If you’re not getting enough sex, consider the following.
- You aren’t good in bed. Read a book. Better yet, ask your partner what feels good.
- You’re self-centered. Okay for masturbation, but you’re a poor lover if conjoint love doesn’t include your partner too.
- You neglect foreplay or after glow. Communicate, demonstrate that being close is just as important as the act itself.
- You don’t pay attention to what’s going on in your partner’s life, like illness, new parenthood, grief, stress, psychological problems, etc.
- You make assumptions that your partner wants the same thing, at the same time, in the same way you do. Boredom kills enthusiasm.
- You’re ugly in attitude, behavior. No need to explain that.
- You’re not fun. Play is too serious, you keep score, you sulk when you don’t get your way.
- You try too hard, you’re uncomfortable, or you just plain don’t know what you’re doing. There are many ways to learn; chose what best fits you.
- You don’t try hard enough, not just sexually, but with the business of coupleness. Like housework, bill paying, auto maintenance, parenting, cooking, social life, etc.
- It’s not about sex at all. You’re distracted by something else — kids at the bedroom door, pets on the bed, work?
- You belong to the Wham Bam School of Love.
- You stink — your clothes, your hair, your body, the sheets.
- You neglect your body through poor diet, exercise, hygiene, or health.
- You could care less about your partner. Enough said.
- Your partner has better things to do, I once read that a certain percentage of women were on their cell phones during sex. I don’t remember the percentage but any number is too high.
For over 20 years Kathe Skinner has been a Colorado Springs’ Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice with a specialty in couples work. She and her husband of 31 years live in Colorado where they hold communication retreats for couples.