I hate to sound harsh, but I’m gonna sound harsh.  Uncaring, unfeeling, cold.  I don’t mean to, but that’s how it will sound.  So if you like me, you might want to stop here; you might not like me after what I say.

In truth, you may have thought it yourself.                      

If you live in a trailer in Tornado Alley expect to be a statistic.

Knowing better does not include magical thinking like “it won’t happen to us”.  There’s nothing magical about being prepared; that takes work and planning with full realization of consequences.  Like maybe digging a hole in the ground next to a mobile home, just in case.

I indulge in my own magical thinking when the reality stinks.  It’s magical thinking to put myself in a situation to get overheated and thus unable to walk.  Literally.  I rely on David to “rescue” me and that magical thinking traps us both.  He has to always be around (even metaphorically) and I have to have the expectation of a 2 year old: running away but looking behind to make sure mommy is there in case she’s needed.

I don’t know how much those poor tornado-stricken folks live with the delusion of “it can’t happen to us”.  Maybe each of us needs to tempt fate and feel empowered each time we cheat and win.

I know, and you do too, that always and eventually it is not us that wins.  There’s no magic in predicting that.

You can read more about facing adversity in one of my favorite reads:  Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales.

  I know I vowed not to obsess anymore about Hugh Hefner and his marriage to what’s-her-name.  (Think I could change “what’s-her-name” to “fill in the blank”?   Maybe “whatever”?  Yeah, “whatever”.  Her name will never matter like his will.)

I’m not speaking out of jealousy because I’m old(er) and have ms. Really.  It doesn’t bother me that she’s got a great bod. I don’t care that she’ll have a mansion to live in.  Or that she’ll have access to lots and lots of money.  Okay, that one bothers me.

That this qualifies as news, that people actually care.  Geez, thank God for the pretty people and their invisible disabilities: Cher and her dyslexia; Catherine Zeta-Jones’ bipolar illness.  Without those gorgeous faces no one would pay attention.  Sound bites!  Sound bites!  Bitty pieces of info that are about as satisfying as a glass of water.  Then we thank that same God we don’t have dyslexia or bipolar illness, although it’s probably not a big deal to Cher or Catherine Z because look, they’re gorgeous and famous and their clothes are great!  Not to mention they’ve got access to money.  Lots and lots of money.

Real people aren’t good ambassadors for disability; we’re too, well, real.

Even with make-up.

Kathe Skinner is a psychotherapist, writer, and speaker living in Colorado with her husband, David, and their non-cake eating cats, Lucy and Petey.  They all live with Kathe’s m.s.

Image taken from Spring 2008 InStyle Weddings Magazine (U.S. Edition)

Hannah & Mariah

I’ve heard it said, “You don’t have (fill in the blank) so how can you understand?”

It’s as if the problems, or even the pleasures, we have can be had by no one else, evvverrr in the history of mankind.  That kind of magical thinking is why we can’t imagine our parents having had sex.  While that image isn’t one we want to conjure, trust me on this, they did have sex.  And if you have a sib or two, they had sex at least more than once.   As a speaker once asked, “How many of you have biological parents?”

As a Marriage & Family therapist without children, I’ve been asked if I have kids.  Actually, I have hundreds — I’ve been a middle school teacher and  I’m still a therapist.  It’s all about relationship.  

Though not written with disabled parent(s) in mind, it might as well be; the information applies that well.  So I’m passing along info about this great site I know:  if you’re concerned about raising kids who know a moral dilemma fr0m a bag of gummi bears, read this.  Written by Jean Tracy, MSS, a proven parenting expert, it’s chock full of all kinds of freebies, including videos. Mostly it’s got great information you can actually use.

PLUS, I’m the guest blogger.  “6 Parenting Behaviors That Make A Difference When Raising Girls” See if I’m any good!

Thanks to www.bryce7blog.blopgspot.com for loaning Hannah & Mariah!

3 Stress Solutions for Busy Parents with Active Kids

by Jean Tracy, MSS, Syndicated Writer for Idea Marketers

I’ve been working working diligently on getting a new website up and running.  It’s taken me days.  Lots of ’em.  Too many of ’em.  It’s likely I’ve looked at, re-read, and probably rewritten the site for weeks.  I should go live in San Fran; sometimes I feel so efen foggy.

Good news to know that even physically healthy people are becoming cognitively overloaded with the barrage of info coming at us 24/7.  A recent Newsweek cover story called it “brain freeze”.  Welcome to the world of invisible chronic illness:  I can think of lots and lots of us who have felt brain freeze far longer than the Internet or smart phones have been around.

Wanna play “Invisible Disability Statues”?  I know you don’t, but go along with this, okay?  Okay.  Turn on the t.v., loud.  Plug in one of those over-the-ear-thingies-that-make-you-look-like-you’re-talkin’-to-yourself-about-big-Billy’s-birthday-party-while-you’re-choosin’-chicken-at-foodland.  Have some mp tracks groovin’ in your other ear.  Now do some finger-tweeting on your iPad that just became obsolete and pop some Cheetos.

Got it?  Yeah.  You did that good.  Like the Airplane says, feed your head.

That’s the way the head trip feels if you have fibro or m.s. or lupus or chemo-brain or ptsd or adhd or early-stage dementia or any of the tons of invisible disabilities that affect cognitive functioning like memory, word finding, understanding, thinking, concentrating, and more.  Having your mind work that hard is exhausting. 

You know from your own experience that when you’re overloaded like that, adding ONE MORE THING is like being pushed over the edge.  Not tuning in when your partner has dropped out guarantees that no one is get turned on.  

Good to know that being too “plugged in” can have such cognitive effects (like it was a big secret anyway) and even better to know you can change your life to stop it.

Too bad we can’t.

 Overloaded?  Yell for HELP today, disabled or not.  Call Kathe today, 719.598.6232

Movie-based sitcom in poor taste, considering.

Almost 2 years ago, IBM moved David’s job to India, and didn’t invite him to go along. Like many too many experienced workers toward the top edge of professional competence, he’s been unable to replace the job that ended almost 3 years ago. He’s smart with a tremendous work ethic, but he’s 62. Maybe too smart? Or maybe too 62?

I grew up an Air Force “brat”; my dad achieved a great deal and was well-regarded professionally. He was the NCOIC (non-commissioned officer in charge) of the Strategic Air Command’s underground control center during the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Our family didn’t see him for days. He was one of the Air Force’s first to achieve the newly created rank of Chief Master Sergeant. The military services have always been rank-conscious; there’s a built-in hierarchy that maintains the strict order necessary to conduct its business (it’s not the place, here, to go into the abuses of that hierarchy). In this context, my father, mother, and my sister and I, were lower on the totem pole than, say, a colonel. As a girl, I can remember playing dress-ups with a “friend” who told me I couldn’t wear her dress-up clothes because my father wasn’t an officer. To the extent that my mom’s already-low self-esteem bought into that construct, I can sometimes find myself lacking when comparing myself with others. Makes sense that those with lower self-esteem are more prejudiced; in other words, more hierarchical. When regarded from this perspective, having multiple sclerosis is ironic.

"Waldo you have 10 seconds to give the correct answer". "Buckshot?"

The Romans had their games (think chariots racing or gladiators fighting). So did the jousting, dragon-slaying Brits. Aztecs (or was it Incas?) played a form of soccer with severed heads of their enemies. Of course the pains of losing were final; a defeated gladiator couldn’t try again later.

Here’s my take on the game shows I’ve considered…what about you?

“Fear Factor”? What sadist thought this game up?
“The Biggest Loser”? Sure it’s a game show! Difference is, the losers are the winners
“A Minute to Win It”? I’m too slow, too clumsy, unbalanced (take that any way you like).
“Password”? What? With the trouble I have with word finding?
“American Idol”? I could be a judge.
“Family Feud”? My wrong-answer-risk would be reduced by 25%…so, maybe
“Wheel of Fortune”? I’d get shoulder pains spinning that wheel
“Jeopardy”? I’m not a human factoid
“Queen for a Day”? This is one that only us 60-plusers remember. I don’t need another Maytag washer/dryer, but I know some guys who might wanna be on that show
“Wheel of Fortune”? Gives me a headache
“Wheel of Fortune”? My hearing is impaired because of this show. Mom and Dad watched during dinner, with the tv a foot from the back of my head. The impact was clear: even my food vibrated.
“Let’s Make A Deal”? I don’t look good in cardboard and foil, no matter what color it is

Thanks to the creativity of the fuflos. Visit them at http://www.fuflos.com

When you swim in the ocean, you never know when you’re gonna get a snoot-full of saltwater. Gloucester fishermen tell tales that, if you swim far enough, there are whole islands of garbage out there. And just when we figure it’s safe to go in the water, a rogue wave comes out of nowhere (we think) and BAM! we’re underwater.

That sounds like most relationships to me: Unpredictable, loaded with garbage. So what’s the first thing newlyweds say to each other? “Come on in! The water’s fine!”

Unlike rogue waves, our rogue arguments often come from a predictable place, we just don’t know it.

Look at it like this: Another term for “floating garbage” or “rogue waves” or “a snoot full of salt water” is “family of origin issues”. We first learn about the world, and the people in it, from the behaviors we copied from adult caregivers (usually parent[s]). And because children want to belong to family, more than they want even a train set or their own jungle gym, they’ll keep following behaviors, attitudes, thinking patterns long past childhood. Our experiences in family of origin stay with us, consciously or unconsciously, for the rest of our lives. That accounts for how we view ourselves in to our world — invisible disability, partner, and all.

So, you wanna know what’s behind those stupid little arguments you have with your partner or your kid? Go dumpster diving!Wanna know the reason you push yourself past your physical limits? Go dumpster diving!

Here’s an example. When I ask David to fix something that won’t work, this is, without fail, what he says: “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?” We’ve been married almost a quarter of a century and never. ever. not even once have I ever said, “What a concept! Off, On. Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that!”

The reason it makes me crazy is that I know I know that no matter how many times I try (and fail) with the on/off thing, all I have to do is call David. You know why. I’d almost prefer things were broken. He’s patient and kind as he explains, yet again, about on/off, with no clue that I feel like a 4 year old being taught about the magic that goes through wires.

Truth is, I don’t hear David at all, I hear Mom, criticizing me in a not-so-patient way for not-knowing-which-way-to-put-the-key-in-a-lock-can’t-you-tell-by-looking-at-it? No wonder I feel small.

Is that really true? Did Mom really say that?